AlexChurchill/WikiBlog

Possibly, a collection of profound thoughts. Conceivably, a diary of some sort. Most likely, some unsorted braindumping. Quite possibly of no interest to the general Wiki - hence changes made with minor edits.

Nostalgia for things I've never had (27th Aug 03)

A lot of experiences have been prompting me to feel nostalgic (natsukashii) recently. When I step out of my office (a not-nostalgic thing), I see the summer sky, smell some clear air with a hint of cloud or some such, and feel how surprisingly warm the evening is. It's very nostalgic. But for what? I can't remember anything in my past which feels like what's being evoked by this multi-sense experience.

It happened earlier this year, a lot, too. Like when the sakura were in bloom along MiltonRoad, and every day I'd pass them. It was an utterly beautiful sight. Incredibly evocative. It made me feel happy to be alive. And, yes, nostalgic. But nostalgic for what? For experiences that I've never had. Often it's scenes from an anime, DatingSim, or some such.

Is it bad when the things that I nostalge about never happened to me at all? Well, not if I phrase it as "evocative" instead. "Evocative" is a different concept to "nostalgic", but they have lots in common. They both have appeal to the dreamer mind, the romantic, that slight bittersweet unreality.

I think the unreality is part of it... because although having romantic experiences oneself has appeal too, remembering them is the true nostalgic sweetness. Nostalgia, by its nature, is of things which you can't return to. So from that point of view, since they're inaccessible by being locked in the past, it doesn't matter whether they were originally my experiences, or those of a person whose world I looked into for a time.

And I think it's possible to be nostalgic for something even less precise that that, too. A "longing for unreality", as Tsuki put it. Those times when suddenly I find myself in a situation or experience which feels very nostalgic, but I've no idea what for; very evocative, but I've no idea what it's evoking.
But that's not a bad thing either. Times like that are probably what more poetically inclined people wax lyrical about, times of invigorating your senses, when you feel swept up into something beyond yourself, or some such.

I have been quite suspicious of nostalgia in the past. I've chosen not to reread as much as I otherwise would letters to and from friends who've moved away, because I've reckoned it's a bad idea to live in the past.
Well, nostalgia for things I've never had isn't exactly living in the past, but it's in some sense living in unreality... it's not living in the present either. I think it would be a bad idea to spend excessive amounts of time nostalging, or seeking out experiences that are evocative in that way. But as long as I'm not doing that, I don't think there's a problem with enjoying those momentary flights of fancy into a fantasy world, which come and catch me unawares as I step out of a building into the summer evening.

: Bits of that remind me of [this]. Ah, nostalgia.. ;) - MoonShadow
: Oh, nostalgia indeed. It's fun, but could potentially absorb more of me and my time than I might want. But yes, there's a significant overlap in thoughts between the above and your poem there. You captured quite a bit of what I was trying to say. The above is excessively wordy, but basically I'm giving myself rare permission to just braindump with minimal editing, in the hope that what comes out will be interesting or worth reading as it often is for AngelaRayner. A little introspection is healthy, but I'm not after creating proper full articles here, just investigating what's going on in my brain. --AC

Fictional Worlds, Alone and With Others

(to be written)

Identity and Contributing

(to be written)