The Fourth Page Of CLASSIC QUOTES

by the Odd Squad and assorted others

See also:

• The First Page of OddSquad Quotes
• The Second Page of OddSquad Quotes
• The Third Page of OddSquad Quotes
• The Defining Quotes we've made
• The Other Surreal Quotes Pages
• The Fifth Page of OddSquad Quotes

most recent at top each day
alex's favourites have stars              [D]=Defining, [M]=Magic

-*- easter term 2001 -*-

14.6.01 (SPEAK brunch)
[misheard by ads27] acr33: Is there any chance we could get eaten again? [ .. get Eden again ]
gaec2: Last person to fall asleep, wake everyone else up
gaec2: I wasn't necessarily implying that I'd eat another egg using three spoons and two knives
mch36: God was so pleased with your prayers that he sent eggs. Actually, God is Angela.....
gaec2: [praying] Father, thank you for the amazing variety and range of yummyness...
mch36: You can't be omnipotent and follically challenged
ads27: Does Jesus save frying-pans?
aethd2: I've turned into a table!
- ads27: And here we see Angela is modelling a rather exciting range of bread products...

13.6.01
rjh61: All I can say in Greek is "the prophet sat on the mat"
rjh61: You think that's an insult? I'd be flattered if someone asked me to flutter my eyelashes for them!
jrgj2: [Alexander the Great] took an army with him from Greece to India. He had to hide it.
- gaec2: "No, there's nothing under my jacket..."
acr33: In the City there is a lot of shocks and stares [ stocks and shares ]

12.6.01
gaec2: Mike can't even correct a langlage of manguage
mpj23: You'd better not hear Anne let you talk like that
acr33: I am of the race of blue furry smurfs, we've never been seen or found before, and we do evil things to trumpets with slime.
acr33: Is [Scotland] a cot huntry with lots of mosquitoes?
mpj23: Angela, you have to stop denting your head!
- acr33: Why? I like it like that!
gaec2: What, you walk round writing the gospel message in your footprints?
mpj23: You could make a giant spider out of cardboard boxes
umh20: If reincarnation exists, and if I'm not reincarnated as an ant but reincarnated back into Part III, then I'll know not to do any Reading Courses!

11.6.01
acr33: Nobody cares these days if God's a square or a circle
sfb24: I always make authentic amoeba noises!
sfb24: Handcuffs don't just appear from the ceiling!
acr33: It's a jellybaby!
- sfb24: No, it's a robber. There's a very slight difference.
acr33 to gaec2: I love the looks on your faces sometimes
acr33: Protect me against your big blue epsilon, o Knight of Rep Theory!

10.6.01 (BARBECUE.EXE: Error: Sun not found, aborting...)
[D gaec2] mpj23: Alex is laughing the "I'm going to quote this" laugh
acr33: Ah, you've been eating the edible clay again...
acr33: I love my computer problems. They're cool.
acr33: [misreading] "Bizarrity isn't a wand"?
- mag32: Word.
- acr33: Although it isn't a wand either.
mpj23: I went for a bike ride
- acr33: On a train?
victor: July is approaching like a steamroller, except rather faster
victor: [Antony's] going to take a degree in Future Hairology
audrey: You always find gym slips in the back of a chequebook All right you lemon-chugging slobs

9.6.01
acr33: I'll give you your right mind! - gaec2: Oh, you've got that? I've been looking for that...
acr33: Jill and I were talking about getting married
jek25: I could in theory, but I'm better at killing
acr33: It's quite hard for Alex to hide things up his sleeve, because he has quite droopy sleeves The time has come to meet your fate

8.6.01
mag32: [The date is] 8th of the 6th of the 201st...
[D] mpj23: Normally my good ideas are associated with the type of "What shall I cook today?"
acr33 re gaec2: I'm trying to control him, but you try controlling a bush and see how difficult it is... pieces keep falling off and scaring all my friends!!
acr33: He has a closet in his gun somewhere, which he comes out and shoots people with periodically
acr33: Because of my exams, I have not been able to do experiments on small furry animals for ages. This has hindered my spiritual growth.
acr33 to gaec2: You tricked me into thinking you were a giant claw, and I believed you!
acr33: You can't be trying to work - you just got a big purple book out!
elhs2 [re end of exams]: There were lots of champagne bottles dumped around my faculty - not full ones, unfortunately...

7.6.01 (General Election day)
jeremy paxman to conservative party chairman: Can you seriously sit there and tell us that you have pricked Tony Blair's bubble?
lej26: Yes, Peter's into groping strange men's sides - why do you think he joined the Air Force?
jek25: I have to admit, I have a problem with the letter "u"
jek25: That word "Labyrinth" - I had to translate that, along with "half giant bull"
jek25: Oh! Speaking of people called Edward - damn!
lej26 [on phone]: Hello Mum, I'm calling you because me and Peter are having an argument: does the bottom of your freezer defrost itself or not?
gaec2: Amanda - but I haven't a clue what her name is
mpj23: Hermes is intelligent: when an email is addressed to the same address twice, it'll only deliver one coffee

6.6.01
acr33: I'm off to the common room, to read the paper. I might even take my book with me, in case I meet someone to talk to.

5.6.01
gaec2: Oi! You're violating the Sacred Quote Spirit!
acr33: You're clever - you should be able to see [maths] without looking
acr33: I've adopted an Augustinian mindset - by accident
and there was much incriminating evidence. raay!

2.6.01
mag32: The thing about trolls is, all you have to do to put them in sci-fi is give them camo and guns

1.6.01
acr33: You forgot the comma, you grammarian not-nist!
mag32: Only we could have a discussion about how to pronounce the alphabet as one word when we're trying to have a prayer meeting [ - sl236: Abkie-defghi-jukkelmenopsquer-stuveksyz... ]
acr33: There's something in the bottom!
- mpj23 [apologetically]: That'll be the fruit bun I left there
- acr33: Yes - you evil fruit-bun-leaver-in... oh, never mind!
gaec2: I've never set fire to a whole room with a marshmallow before
mpj23: Serge's ambition to be a pirate is finally realised.
- mag32: A fondue pirate...
mag32: I keep forgetting your ears, Alex.
sl236: A cooked wizard is 580 bytes, by experiment. A cooked dragon is 320 bytes, and a cooked tank is 238. Cooked men are quite large - 1.65K. They don't compress well.
gaec2 [leaving answerphone message]: Look forward to seeing you then, to wrap cheese around your head most recent at top each day

30.5.01
eric: They gave me the option to take some exams, but I thought, what would that achieve?

28.5.01 (Alex's birthday)
acr33: They are married because they were talking about the pet shop
acr33: You can't be a carving knife made of chicken
sfb24: So I'm between 700 and 800 years old. Am I dead?
sl236: I can't drink Sainsbury's Economy OJ any more - it tastes like vodka
jsn23: And may Alex alway be able to offer us spoons down the ages!
jek25: It's OK if it's chocolate, it can enter my mouth. I don't care where it's been...
jsn23: Alan will turn up armless with 2 grilled arms and I'll turn up covered in batter
sl236: I've turned into a Slavic mother
jsn23: If need be, Lucy, could you burn the pillows.
jsn23: Serge was like a bit of a rhino, actually.
mag32: Who wants tuna and sweetcorn disaster?
mpj23: In a carefully controlled and choreographed manner he crashed into a chair
acr33: My tongue's just gone green - it's a mental health problem!

27.5.01 (Morag's birthday)
gaec2: Language is not really adequate for the kind of questions I want to ask
acr33: Imagine a maths lesson: "Take an infinite amount of Rob.."
acr33: Am I someone who visits Cambridge?
- gaec2: Can you rephrase that?
- acr33: Ok. Am I over 18?
gaec2: Am I the Cadbury's Caramel bunny?
[D sl236] dgs26: The only thing Sergei has to learn about cooking is not to tell people what it was meant to be
mpj23: You're a person, Morag
- mag32: Yes, but so was the person who was a wet rainy day in April
sl236: Honey, I love you, especially when you're covered in fish
gaec2: He dismantled his thermostat? Did he get it to work again?
- mpj23: Oh yes. There are advantages to studying Engineering, you know.
philippe: What I thought would be good - tell me if you think it's right - it probably is...
matt: They got all the popes together recently - dozens and dozens...
gaec2: Yes, I've either got a plant growing out of my hair, or web development... that's what I said!

26.5.01 (Overnight revision punt trip)
mag32: Right, guys, we seem to be bank-wobbling
- gaec2: That's a sport, is it, like cow-tipping? You go round different banks and wobble them? "Right, it's NatWest this week... wibble-wobble!"
mag32: I normally punt with bare feet. And not a punt pole.
dgs26: The birds in that tree are playing the bird equvalent of Quake
mag32: Most modems don't go "bdoing".
acr33: What's that just flew overhead? - gaec2: It's a tree!
acr33: It's really unfair - you got blossom and I got miniature Egyptian plague beetles!
mpj23: That's the Mists of Midges
- dgs26: Commonly mistaken for the Mists of Time...
mag32: Serge-kun, you're adorably cute...
- gaec2: I think his point is, he was nearly adorably cute /in the water/
mpj23: Douglas and his amazing technicolour glow-in-the-dark toaster.
- dgs26: Yes, every Queen Fairy has one
acr33: That's my arm, and that's your armpit! [blank looks from the others] I meant face. Oh, be quiet! It's the dark and I'm confused!
mag32: I'm good, but I wiggle
gaec2: Impersonating a fork-lift truck
- dgs26: That's a crime, I believe...
mag32: Revision is made so much easier by provision of chocolate
dgs24: A misconfigured red car. That would be a sight to see.
acr33: Do you think anyone would object if we abduct a swan?
- mag32: The /swan/ would object.
mag32: Batteries - drink - sweeties!
acr33 to gaec2: You're maliciously dancing at people, and putting them off their meals!
acr33: I'm being swallowed by a giant lucky dip!
gaec2: Lots of people have got very strange numbers of birthdays
acr33: I figure I've got something in common with anyone who wants to chat online at 2am

25.5.01
sl236: Homeopathic pizza...
Sometimes a 'phone
Feels small and alone
Some days a 'phone just feels blue
(sniff, sniff)
Like my big brother,
I want my own /other/ -
I want me a dust puppy too.
(sniff, sniff)
jmdp2: I stopped bugslugging a long time ago...
jmdp2: They've just come back to do a PhD in killing freshwater mussels
- ajew2: By kissing them?

24.5.01
[misread by lej26] exam paper: "The human understanding of God is that he is all-knowing and all-powerful. So is the internet."
[ Should be "...So is the internet a manifestation of the Word of God?"]

23.5.01
awr25: His Royal Highness Prince T-Shirt
acr33: Could you put me on a floppy disk?

22.5.01
douglas' friend: What morals? It's doughnuts. Morals do not apply.
acr33: I can't really go in and disturb Lucy. Bother.
acr33: I /can/ count. That's a bit inconvenient.

21.5.01
sfb24: So white wine is the blood of the antichrist. I'll have to remember that.
[D] rjh61: She's a methodist, she doesn't have any doctrine!
mag32 to sfb24: You have a plant and a bald scientist - you don't need to draw hair
gaec2: Hello, I'm a big green bogeyman from outer space!
- mum: Hello, Alex...
General protection fault:
The Mafia demands more money.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

--- Your advert here! For information on advertising in ---
--- error messages, contact Microsoft 1-800-SUCKBLOW ---

20.05.01
[D] mpj23: I can't even langle the manguage properly!
acr33: Mike! Don't destroy things in the kitchen!
- mpj23 [calls through]: Eep! The top came off that!
acr33: I knew I should have been a science student... so I could build caterpillars!
[misheard by mag32] gaec2 to mag32: You'll be like one of those Russian hospitals
jmdp2: If you are going to have a fetish, it might as well be a vegetable

19.5.01
mpj23: People with sherbet shoulders shouldn't go out in the rain
acr33: The trouble with eating sherbet when you're travelling is you get it all over your right shoulder
acr33: Why do I have two mobile phones in bed with me?
mpj23: So, Mr Lewis - how long have you been a goldfish? Excellent, you have the job!
gaec2: It's not meant to be people who talk to goldfish who have three second memories, is it...

16.5.01
acr33: Why does the fact that Ant needs to blow his nose be transmited by radio to his trousers?
[Misheard quote] mpj23: And there was much greening. Grey...
[ Should be: And there was much greening. 'ooray. ]
mag32: Give me your genes and I will manipulate them!
sl236: I shall declare a Jean Surgery, for anyone who wants their genes Serged!

14.5.01
gaec2: Give lots of people a deaf fish
mpj23 to mld25: World tyrants don't usually bounce
jsn23: I will use my ham and mustard to great effect! Oh, and die.
[misheard by mag32] jsn23: My little tribe of sandwiches over there in Asia
sfb24: "He's not a heffalump! He's a very naughty boy!"

13.5.01
pjs35: Sorry I'm late - I snored
- rja29: He snored so loud it caused a distortion in the space- time continuum...
mpj23: So Alex has to remember that if he forgets his name, he's got to remember to look at his sock to see his name?
- acr33: Well he's more likely to remember something silly like that than to remember his name
acr33: He's stroppy now!
- mpj23: I'm not surprised, when you're bashing his bottom on the chair arm!
acr33: When a church uses an OHP instead of hymn books, people replace the hymn books with babies
acr33: If you're not part of the leftie hegemonic, which I don't think I am - nobody told me I was part of the leftie hegemonic
ads27: SPEAK's aim is to... pour blackcurrant juice down themselves
acr33: That wouldn't be fair, would it? Using FairTrade chocolate to drown people...
- mch36: Depends who the people are.

12.5.01
mag32: I'd be a very strange-looking matchstick
mld25: Could Phil be mistaken for a bag of crisps?
- mag32: A crisp addict's dream...

11.5.01
mag32: I''m very glad I'm not a woman who wants to... annoy Serge...
- acr33: I think Serge is probably glad about this too!!
sl236: Can I be a flowery skirt girl?

10.5.01
steve: Brother Z regularly disagrees with leadership decisions. How would you "warn" him?
- kenton: If he disagrees... shoot him! As a warning. And then if he does it again... shoot him again!!
- steve: Shooting you in love...

9.5.01
acr33: Let's praise God for green New Zealanders
- mpj23: I think we should pray for them, actually, since they're obviously ill
gaec2: Yes! It's an evangelistic computer repair slot!
- mag32: "You've come to get your computer mended... NOW LET ME TELL YOU HOW TO MEND YOUR SOUL!!!"
mag32: I'm neither [Serge's] spouse, yet, nor his boyfriend, yet...?

8.5.01
james [re a mobile phone aerial]: I might use it as a tiny periscope for a hamster, so don't leave it with me for too long
acr33: That's something that probably only I know. And I don't.

7.5.01
rjh61 to mpj23: You're only marginally more compatible with me than you are with Nagi
acr33: I'm so shy, that if a giant camel came over and said "I'm going to help you with your computer", I'd probably hide in a cupboard.

6.5.01 (The sun sets over Primrose Hill)
acr33: You're supposed to say "Teh-Jeh-Veh". "Tee-Gee-Vee" makes it sound like a deranged giant... vegetarian... teabag.
mpj23: So the only way to be right is to agree with everything you say?
- acr33: No... not exactly... there are other ways to be right... they just don't happen that often
acr33: [points at high-class London house] Can we live in a house like that?
- gaec2: Hehe, on your lawyer's salary...
- acr33: OK - who's my lawyer?
gaec2: Is that big spiky thing a zoo?
mpj23: star tries to glare but topples star
- ant66: Always the problem...

5.5.01 (A spiky ant visits...)
sl236: Goldfish are well known for their hard drives
- acr33: Or are hard drives well known for their goldfish? Yes, that would make sense...
mpj23: For something with whole chillis floating in it, it's surprisingly mild
ant66: There's more bottles of volatile substances in the science labs
- mag32: What, like locusts?
susy: I've been spending more hours at Southampton and less hours at Sainsburys

4.5.01
acr33: I'll be your parrot. Pieces of 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Pieces of infinity. I'm a mathmo parrot.
mag32: [Doodling] brings me near to something that might resemble sanity if you looked at it through a kaleidoscope

1.5.01
sl236: If we all evolved, do leeks and trousers have a common ancestor? ...[long discussion] - Which means mango trees are fish too. But we knew that, because bananas are fish.

Are you sure that fish aren't bananas with fins?
Hmmm... They could be... But wouldn't that come as a shock to the fish, to learn that they're not actually animals, but fruit?

30.4.01
gaec2: "Please butter my exam"
- acr33: Spread jam in appropriate places, where mistakes are, and give to examiners...
acr33: Oi! Do not slap me with my own bread!

29.4.01
altavista: Where can I find information about the unexplained phenomenon "Morag"?
gaec2: As long as we weren't sleeping in the gaps between the carriages, with other people...
sl236: star vaguely wishing people's foreheads were made of velcro star

28.4.01
mpj23: I know all about agonising demise
acr33 to mpj23: You can share Alex. You can have a fingernail on Tuesdays.
sl236: How do owls take to being painted black?

27.4.01
gaec2: I'd like to be News at Ten's Emergency Pants Correspondent
mpj23: Yes, I belly-flopped off the ironing board with a splat
mpj23: You don't have sellotape over your mouth, either... but I'm sure that helps. In certain very specialised situations...
mpj23: Hunky Chunky had a monkey, but he hasn't got one now
- acr33: Why would Chunky Hunky want a monkey?
acr33: At my school, everyone was called Sam, not Xavier!
mpj23: I don't think yellow rubber lions would catch on...
mpj23: That's an expensive way to do it, surely - buying whole bathrooms just for the rubber ducks...
- mld25: Well, it could be worth it, if you really wanted lots of bathrooms as well...
gaec2: You know biplanes - they've got two wings?
- acr33: I thought most planes had two wings...
acr33: Mike, were you aware that your brain sent us a random email the other day?
mpj23: Ah! That would be why nothing's happening.
- gaec2: Oh? Why's that?
- mpj23: I'm using the wrong keyboard...
dr suhov: We can evaluate this for a number of exams. Um, pardon me, I mean examples... [Freudian slip, perhaps?]
dad: Informally, a bicategory is an ategory with two wheels...
**Newly rediscovered quotes from March 19th!**
mpj23: What we'd have to do is train Serge's eyebrows to teach the Bible
mpj23: We'd Be getting lots of eyebrows from Serge now...
- gaec2: Only two!
- mpj23: no, he's got a third one now, didn't you know/
acr33: It'd be a bad idea to hide the Frosties... I'm the only one!

26.4.01
kenton: I don't know about you, but I didn't actually engineer my DNA - I didn't build my brain
kenton: You don't meddle - unless you're invited to do so
- acr33: "Oh, please come and meddle over here!"
lydia: That's what I like about being a student: lots of relationships.... lots of coffee

25.4.01
acr33 to sl236: We'll erase anything you say about toilet paper from our minds
sl236: I really wish people had thought I was a goth at school
sl236: Have you ever /tried/ to chain me to a lamp-post?
gaec2: That makes sense
- mag32: Oh! Does it? It wasn't /supposed/ to! Maybe I should change it...

23.4.01
rjh61: Having a generic baby would be...interesting...
sl236: You can get cigarette burns by accident - you can't rob a grave by accident
rjh61: Neither are log cabins entirely innocent objects
[anti-defining] jsn23: Only a real man plays Ludo
jsn23: Boxing: it's touchy, but it's not feely...
sl236: Is a tree-hugger more revolutionary than the entire country of China?
jsn23: Bring me your wildness! Spring forth and - ow...
gaec2: Oi! My tummy does not rattle!

22.4.01
gaec2 [describing an animé]: The last he knew, those two were having an explosion in a restaurant
gaec2: I'll have one of those top-shelf powdery things you showed me. [pause] ...I could have phrased that better, couldn't I...
mag32: It's really weird having a mirror here, cause I keep seeing myself places where I didn't expect to be
acr33: [enraged] Are you calling me a *safe* *Christian*?!
mag32: He's watching Star Trek and wearing clothes, so he must be all right

21.4.01 (Mike's start-of-term birthday party)
mpj23: I'm blatantly not Pembroke: because Pembroke is either a college or a town in Wales, and I am obviously neither!
mpj23: I wouldn't know that, not being a Pembroke person
- zcl21: Why - are you not at Pembroke, or not a person? Due to recent cutbacks in funding, we are sadly unable to provide our usual service. Therefore, we have chosen to use the HONOUR SYSTEM for our attacks this quarter. After reading this message, we would ask that you bash your head against a wall three times and saw off a limb of your choice.
-- the real IRA
[D gaec2] jjb37: Alex is 85% jellybabies, 4% maths and 11% other things
 

-*- word alive 2001 -*-

12.4.01
acr33: For me to be able to brush my eyebrows in the morning would be not especially useful
acr33: Cambridge got a thingy from the thingy to be a thingy
pjs35: It's always highly amusing to watch people with moustaches eating jellybabies
*HADDOCK*
 
 
 
 
 
**by reading the word HADDOCK, you confirm your agreement and pledge to say this word out loud after every third word you speak that is not the word HADDOCK. You hereby release any and all claim to ownership of your speech organs to the HADDOCK corporation, CA 10802. This contract is legally binding.
ant66: I'm just going to have to never say anything again...
jjb37: Goblins don't have machine guns!
acr33: We're talking about the subjects of YMCA and skin-tight cycling lycra
jjb37: I misread that: I thought it said "lightsaber-tooth tigers"...
rjh61: It's the noise sabertooth tigers make, or something
- mag32: What, "Niii-wom"?
- rjh61: Yes...
acr33: You don't want to run over kids by accident. Except on purpose. Which is always better.
acr33 to toh22: You run the risk of falling cucumbers
rjh61[cold]: It's enough to turn you charismatic, isn't it, just to keep warm!
acr33: [Alex] doesn't have his socks on, but I imagine I can cope with seeing his feet at this stage in our relationship [18 months]

11.4.01
acr33 to mpj23: Can I ask that you not give Alex a heart transplant every time you try to tickle him?
mag32 re mpj23 and sl236: Clash of the titans! Or rather, clash of the medium-sized-man with the slightly-less-medium-sized- man..
mpj23: When I studied the great composers, they were all strange
- gaec2: What, and they're not now?
- mpj23: No, they're all dead
mpj23: I'm a sezoo
- gaec2: No you're *not*!
mpj23: Thank you for that beautiful kick in the shins, Alex!
mpj23 & gaec2 simultaneously: You're more likely to get *run over* by a bolt of lightning than to win the lottery?
mpj23: "And it's flap, flap, flap, a veggieburger troll"?
gaec2: Where's my phone?
- sl236: I didn't feed it orange juice, so it grew wings and flew away
sl236: [entering a room] Ears are not intrinsically evil
mag32: Oboe is a musical instrument
- acr33: I was talking about a tummy!
pjs35: I love drying out glasses - they make a noise just like Jess the Cat from Postman Pat, like this...
- glass: Brrummmp.

10.4.01
acr33: We call Serge Morag and get Phil!!
acr33: You just put into condemnation various parts of London
[D] rjh61: I can't say no - I'm a theological tart!
sl236: I hereby declare myself Morag
- acr33: Can I be Morag after you?
tseg2: It's a good thing Alex and Mike aren't getting married otherwise the kids would have very big hair
acr33: Mike, what wedding dress are you going to wear?
akh23: I'm a heffalump, not a Tigger.
- mpj23: Is that because heffalumps aren't charismatic!
akh23: I'm a closet introvert

9.4.01
mpj23: You're all running away from me! You're not stopping to give me my petticoat!
mpj23: Alex, stop combing your swimming trunks
acr33: Tennis is the only form of maths that makes sense
gaec2: A fluffy fish doesn't make sense, does it?
gaec2: Excellent! Serge has a dementing head...
- sl236: Yes... it self-dements..
mpj23: Phil, if you can train yourself to simulate a hiccup that convincingly on demand, please let me know
pjs35: Would any remaining washing up shout now, or forever hold its peace. [deliberate]
acr33: All armpits are cute
pjs35: There's more things in life to worry about than hairy feet
acr33: If you had a white house with a red roof, would you put it in the sea?
mag32: Panic involves packing

8.4.01
ads45: The Sunday Mirror should be more explicit
sl236: You can only reach into your own pockets, but the pocket's ancestors can reach into it as well...
sl236: I'm trying to put together something invoving clothes, your [mpj23's] brother, bacon and Willingham...
mpj23: I think I'm on a drivel roll tonight...
- sl236: Wouldn't that be rather uncomfortable?
acr33: I've got glow-in-the-dark paint, but not enough to paint the whole sky!
[M]acr33: We're scared of your mountain, put it away!

7.4.01
acr33 to sl236: I object to being used as an ingredient in a veggie meal!
acr33: If you were from some Scotland place called McHochHochHochhaugh...
sl236: Where is all this mythical cheese that's purported to exist?
- mag32: In the fridge of the door. Um...
mpj23: Several carrots, a cabbage and a leek?
- sl236: They're biodegradable...
- mpj23: Well, I'm not sure about the leek...
acr33: How many French people do several onions eat?
mag32: ...Or you won't eat tomorrow.
- mpj23 [bad pun]: Eating days is generally considered difficult
- [assembled groans]
- sl236: It's going to be a loooonng week...
pjs35 [unfamiliarly]: Would you like a jellybaby?
gaec2: "Help prevent the spread of foot & mouth" - how?
- acr33: Go to Spalding Flower Parade?
gaec2: About 30 miles to go.
- acr33: Oh, that shouldn't take too long, should it? If we went at 1 mile an hour, it'd only take... um...
- gaec2: [splutters] 30 hours?
acr33 to gaec2: You're used to carrying a lot of weight on your front.
- tseg2: Why, is Alex pregnant?
acr33: That's where the army base is, isn't it - or is that the Tesco's?
gaec2: I'm sure you can't eject a CD with a pair of pants
 

-*- lent term 2001 -*-

17.3.01
jjb37: Ultimate Frisbee's gotta be better than Ultimate Stick
acr33: Your personal slave has arrived; unfortunately yours is a feminist.
gaec2: A meteor crater could be organised. If people wandered round it and collected up the rocks and debris into little piles.
- akh23: OK, Alex is more organised than an un-organised meteor crater
akh23: He's known me for long enough to know that I make strange noises
- gaec2: What - more than ten seconds?

16.3.01
mag32: No - I am the /only/ person allowed to have pestilence!
pjs35: I can't get used to this marrying thing
mag32 to sl236 and acr33: Get a life, you two!
- sl236: We' ve got one between us...
[Misheard by mag32] acr33: There's this thing called a green sheep published by libraries...
( ...called a green *sheet* )
akh23: I can solve all the computing problems of students at New Hall, simply because they're all girls!

14.3.01
sl236: Cats don't nest!
mag32: Big squashy Serge-i-kun-i-ness!
lej25: They don't have to be good at fixing planes to fix planes
[D rja29] brsm2: You're almost as psychotic as the PFY!

13.3.01
gaec2: Use knees to do what?
- acr33: To expel excess air from your nose...

12.3.01
jek25: A B.A. by any other name is half as scientific
[Misheard by mpj23] mld25: This evening is rather like the wall
[ The ceiling's rather like the wall ]
gaec2 to mpj23: Oi! My face is not a spec...ta...tor..... sport.......
gaec2: You can see how to get from Obelisk to Denim!
mpj23: I wouldn't have known how to do Pennysylvania
- sfb24: It's easy! You draw a pencil, and then...
- mpj23: You draw a Vania?!
acr33: If you do not behave I shall feed you cheese...

11.3.01 (Nagi's surprise birthday)
gaec2: You do that again and I'll whap you round the face with a meadow
mpj23: You have a very distinctive "Wah-wah-mm-wah-wah"
mag32: All hail Serge's wallet!
- mpj23: We shall hail upon it, with hailstones that are big and purple
[D] jsn23: I've never seen a film make mass murdering and erotic sex so funny
mag32: Keep your mind out of my blokes!
acr33: All I can see is this smiley chin
mpj23: I think it might compromise the Gospel, if the people proclaiming it were wearing their pants on the outside of their trousers...
gaec2: [singing] Everybody needs a Nagi buffalo /
Yours is fat but mine won't grow /
Where'd we get them I don't know but /
Everybody's got a Nagi buffalo-ooooo...
[W] mpj23: Is food that hisses necessarily promising?
- mag32: Yes!
- mpj23: Even if it's a snake?
- mag32: Well, I didn't say /what/ it was promising, did I?
jsn23: I decided to have a birthday where I didn't drink too much... but then someone gave me a bottle of vodka
acr33 to sl236: I see you know exactly what side of Alex to sit when there's an Indian spinny thing on the table
acr33: We're not letting Nagi cycle blindfolded!
gaec2: When will people learn; if they're leaving random comments in the quotes file, they should use the Roman font!
Oh all right then
I only spotted this when transferring the quotes from the phone to the Web... I hadn't seen this before!!
akh23: I've decided I prefer morphine to paracetamol
gaec2 [in long-suffering voice]: You see what happens if you have a girlfriend - she threatens to hit you with wet fish and vegetables
acr33: Kippers make more of a resounding slapping sound. A herring is more of a "thud"...
steve gane: I think there was no malice on the part of the cactus. In fact, I think there was no activity on the part of the cactus...

10.3.01
acr33: The church needs an absolute monarch who allows you to use your conscience
- jek25: You know, that sounds very like Frederick the Great
mjp39: That's a very seductive tomato ketchup you've got there
mjp39: Do you eat raw ketchup, Alan?
- awr25: Not normally...
- mjp39: Well, you're not normal, so here you go.
mpj23: We'll have to buy Angela a toilet from Japan.
gaec2: The first time we mentioned ultrasonic showers was earlier today
acr33: I'm very well practiced in the art of watching blokes fall asleep when working
acr33: You feel like you're strange and you've got a sign above your head saying "I'm strange", that kind of thing? Like Alex...

9.3.01 (Angela meets the Totoro)
gaec2: Running into spiky things is a bad plan...
- acr33: But that's what I do to my hair in the morning!
acr33: Bow-wow. ... Sorry, I was just making the noise of a Mexican dog. Thought it might be profound in the current situation...
mpj23: Please do not try climbing onto any gigantic cats that come your way!
sl236: Buses don't normally breathe
- gaec2: Nor do they normally flick their ears, but they're very cute when they do?
gaec2: Keeping penguins on a farm would be difficult
mpj23: Follow the yellow brick rabbit!
- mag32: It's not a rabbit.
- mpj23: Neither is it yellow or made of bricks...

8.3.01
acr33: One day when you're a forest, no-one will feel sorry for you when you're languishing looking all foresty in the corner...

7.3.01
mag32: What a cool way to get someone to go to church
- gaec2: Yeah - all you have to do is not kill anyone for two weeks
mpj23: Let us play chess on a pair of jellybabies
- gaec2: Was that deliberate?
- mpj23: Of course it was, you fool!
sl236: [Caramelisation] takes a while if you hold a pan full of sugar over a candle
sl236: No, you don't use cows to draw sheep
gaec2: Wandering kneecaps - it's a common syndrome
mpj23: When's a conversation between currants ever going to make sense?
It's not a shrimp, or a footprint. It's an EAR.
[referring to certain raspberry-flavoured penny-sweets... at least I *hope* that's what it was referring to!

6.3.01
acr33: This room has to be clean otherwise my bedder won't clean it

5.3.01
gaec2: He needed three levels of subscripts to tell us he's teaching us nothing...
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
and, no doubt, TAKE OFF EVERY ZIG, FOR GREAT JUSTICE

4.3.01 (Assassins' Guild Duel)
acr33: I'm not a boa constrictor. Last time I checked. But I don't check very often, so I might be...
gaec2: Do you think it's bad when my first reaction to seeing two people trying to kill each other is to reach for my camera?
sl236: These taste like paintstripper ought to taste, if I'd tasted paintstripper
mag32: Rob obviously has larger ears than Serge
acr33 to gaec2: Oh, thank you for being a friendly brick wall
[D gaec2] mag32: Most people aren't like Alex - Alex is rather weird
ea212: I do appreciate penguins. I fathered one.

3.3.01
[M] gaec2: I shall put Pi mana into my Fireball, thus rendering your life total permanently transcendental...

2.3.01
sl236: No, that's drunk, not hyper. The difference being, you get peeled off the ceiling, not the floor
mpj23 to david: Is that your vocab? Conjugating the verb "to scream for ice-cream"...
acr33: I'm about to be run over by a wedding dress
mpj23: Serge, I severely hope you've never been tempted to behead Morag
gaec2: I apologise for sounding like a nostril
mpj23: What would you like to drink?
- nsg27: Anything that's not tea- or coffee-shaped.
- mpj23: [puzzled] What shape is tea or coffee?
- nsg27 & jjb37 simultaneously: Brown!

1.3.01
gaec2: Ooh, that I'm looking forward to!
- [questioning look from acr33]
- Logic past exam papers...
 

-*- lent term 2001 -*-

28.2.01
acr33 to gaec2: You'd be spiky if you were melon-shaped and didn't want to be
acr33: Father, I pray for Magic the Gathering, wisdom teeth and Songs of Praise, all at once
acr33: I'm not long-standing - I'm little-standing!
- mag32: [points at gaec2] He's long-standing enough for both of you!
sl236: You could measure the level of princessicity by how many layers of socks they can feel a pea through
acr33: We can all worship God how we like whether it's through songs or squeaky boots
sl236 to acr33: [re a shoe] Sit on it! Rock back and forth. Waving a large tambourine.
mpj23: Serge, I think you need to grow a pair of extra arms
mpj23: We had a friend at school who was a real -
- acr33: Pomegranate?

27.2.01
ant66: I like the idea of a cup of coffee with a bed on top of it, with a spoon stirring, and going through the bed
jek25 to acr33: I assume that's Alex's hand you're holding!

26.2.01
acr33 to sfb24: I thought you said you'd eaten a dalmatian earlier
mpj23: Ah. I suspect my pizza is about to die!
sfb24: They are three question marks - they're totally different to your pineapple
- mag32: That doesn't mean they can't be the same thing!

25.2.01
Why llamas?
mpj23: Angela's 0th year at Cambridge.
- acr33: When I was just a twinkle in the Proctor's eye...

24.2.01 (BikBok Birthdy Bash)
vincent: A higher truth than philosophy? Hmmm... Computer Science?
jmdp2: You know, smoke detectors aren't especially aesthetically pleasing
[D] jmdp2: You mean there's life beyond bacteria?
mag32: I though you said "it would be fun dipping manga [Japanese graphic novels] in hot chocolate"
- mpj23: That would be a most bizarre habit

23.2.01 (Overkill's Birthday / SPEAK Birthday Party)
gaec2 to glm23: It'll all be clear when you figure out which hoover you are
glm23 to ea212: If I'm a killer tomato I'll break your face!
glm23: I wonder if I'm a Moomin
ea212: Am I from an author who manifestly has a beard?
aalw2: It's great fun dipping mango in hot chocolate
helen: [Sharing a tent] is a great waya to get to know someone: "Hello, my feet are in your face! Ha-ha!"
[Misheard by gaec2] dr suhov: The "phone Norman" entropy [ The von Neumann entropy ]
acf29: All politicians are stupid... they should put statisticians in charge
ajpw2: I could go to the computer room and see if it's been delivered
- pjs35: What, the computer room?

22.2.01
david gane: They're cool!
- steve gane: What are - neighbours, helicopters, crisps, or UFOs?

21.2.01
acr33: You have to talk, God doesn't get the beeps.
acr33: You can change things a lot by biting people's ears
mpj23: Serge, I fear from your explanation that you're confusing Alex with a bicycle
mag32: I start Sunday School this week; you could pray that I won't kill anybody
acr33: There's a difference between a St Bernard and windscreen wipers
sl236: Presumbaly this [haircut] would require the consent of said hair
lej23: We should all go and sit in Chapel in the back row. Or in the front, depending on our denominational affiliation... leaving two spaces between each other...
nsg27: Jeremy's jumper absorbs time

20.2.01
gaec2: There's excited about the world, and then there's excited about random lumps of building floating past

19.2.01
sl236: Are ballerinas' toes more delicate than whole ballerinas?
acr33: Ghosts are quite normal compared to boyfriends
sl236: Tibet is innovative and radical; driving off a cliff is rebellious and innovative...
acr33: Skydiving is almost sensible
mag32: At least Indiana Jones was real!
[D group] mpj23: They have a very good grip on reality, it's just a rather different grip to everyone else
sfb24: Does anybody have any gods they wish to declare?
awr25: I have sugar now.
- acr33: No you don't.
- awr25: Yes I do!
- acr33: No you don't. You, in fact, have slugs and snails and puppy dogs' tails. *I* have the sugar!
acr33: To what extent are we all littler than the great Onesimus in the sky?
gaec2 to awr25: I thought that bloke was part of your coat
acr33: 1 Corinthians is divisible by 2 - you just get half a Corinthian
pjs35: I've tried Question 1 about six times so far
- aalw2: Try Question 2 then...

18.2.01 (Kate revisits Unreality)
gaec2: Oh... they're using my Zulu custard implicitly!
acr33: I said "Thanks", but I didn't mean it... I meant "Move your legs"!!
gaec2 [musing entertainedly]: Ooh - I've got recursive datatypes! I could do structural induction. Giggle!
mpj23: I don't know why I bother stopping
- acr33: Because otherwise you'll keep bumping into things...
gaec2: Group hug theory - I shall do my PhD in that!
gaec2: I forgot about raisins - I always do that
gaec2: Repeat after me - I wil not bash my head head on a pink spaceship
fweeble!!
ah, how today's students delight in the fweebles of youth...

17.2.01
[D] sl236: You haven't lived until you've reinstalled a partition table with paper and pencil
akh23: I realised that I was coxing, and thinking in Java
mag32: Doesn't that weigh a fortune?
mpj23: Wouldn't it be scary, Alex, if you suddenly found you were going out with Anne? By accident?
- akh23: It was scary last time!
sl236: One day there was a little boy who left his Nokia unattended, and a big bad wolf came and typed in it. And the little boy ran along with his Nokia to tell his pet jellyfish, but the jellyfish wouldn't believe him, and when the boy opened the Nokia to show the jellyfish what the Big Bad Wolf had typed, all the text was gone.
So the boy decided he'd *prove* to everyone what had happened. He left the Nokia alone again, but this time he covered the keyboard with contact adhesive..

For 5 marks, complete this story using no more than three sentences.

For 15 marks, what is the moral of this story?
entry by gaec2: That night the boy heard clicking and howling from his Nokia's bedroom. In the morning he looked at the screen, but the screensaver had cut in. He pressed a key to look at what the wolf had typed... and never got his fingers unglued.

16.2.01
sl236: It's a website
- mpj23: What, spread all over a large truck?
gaec2: Do you normally keep your head in the shadows?
- acr33: Yes. For safety.
acr33: Mike, we have offers of dowries! There are three cows waiting outside for you
gaec2: "Quick! I'm about to be stolen - put on weight!"
acr33: We are the Avatars who say, "Lunch!"
dr suhov: Gilfant was the epitome of a pure mathematician: he was convinced that applied mathematics is an inferior form of life

15.2.01
steve gane: I suggest we bring [to the Stoneleigh Bible week] a City Church anti-aircraft gun this year
gaec2: You're mistaking my utterance for a dingbat
gaec2: My ingenuity [engine-annuity] matured
mpj23: Is the canteen more or less filling than a shruggery?
mpj23: Deliberate quotes have to feature pants and aeroplanes to get quoted
acr33: We have an email terminal held hostage. And what shall we demand for its return? Two Knights who say "Ni!", one mathematician who says "Pure!", and one knight who no longer says "Ni!" but says "Pure!"
acr33 to gaec2: I'll hang you up in a minute. I could put the coat hangers in through your ears

13.2.01
alex's mum: I love the mixture - Fondue Cookery and the Catechism of the Catholic Church
acr33: I don't want you randomly poking me in case air comes out!
- gaec2: I was trying to help you breathe...
acr33 to gaec2: You've got a 30" waist and 32 legs
acr33: Nobody's liking Truth any more. I knew this would happen!
tseg2: He's going to be tying knots in molecules for the rest of his life
- saj24: No, only for the next three years...

12.2.01
mld25: Whipped cream is a one-cuddle-only substance
mld25: If you had a big lump of spam in the shape of a teddy- bear, that would be quite cuddly
saj24: I don't tend to bring walletloads of cash along to meetings with me for no readily apparent reason

11.2.01
mpj23: Why is the farty bean eating a sausage with smarties on it?
gaec2: Salvation = salvation + 1
preacher: This guy said he felt he was called to an intergalactic preaching ministry

10.2.01
acr33: I didn't know people made mistakes in Jamaica
gaec2: My knuckles will grow back in a couple of days
sl236: Can you quaff a sandwich?
pjs35: There are some things [=pieces of background music] I wouldn't be able to write music with
- mpj23: Like a screwdriver. You couldn't write music with one of them
- pjs35: Even a Philip's screwdriver?
acr33: I ate so much over the summer that I almost turned into one
- mpj23: What, a little man selling ice-cream?
gaec2: The adventures of David Balfour in the year nineteen seventy fifty-one
acr33 to mpj23: You have reduced me to an incoherent Moo machine
ajt42: Send me prayer points at the same time - anything is worth praying for, even custard creams.
mpj23: You could use a lemon as a helipad if you had a small enough helicopter
- sl236: Or a large enough lemon...

9.2.01 (Jeremy's Birthday Hall)
random girl: Excuse me. Do you carry a... [gestures] dagger?
- aks27: Yes!
- random girl: Can I see it?
- aks27: [pulls dagger from sock]
cjc40: I'm going to eat nothing but butter for the next three weeks!
mag32: I'm going to do a PhD next year, in mosquitoes!
acr33: What's charlotte russe?
- mag32: Chocolatey stuff! Oh - no, that's chocolate mousse, not charlotte russe...
mpj23: Are you smoking a butter lid? Oh no, you're smoking a bottle top.
acr33: What college are you from?
- ljh44: I'm not!
- acr33: Oh. What college are you not from?
mnw21: I've never had hippo wine
nsg27: British bunnies build better burrows

8.2.01
mark: Each person and each couple is an individual
bloke1: It's hardly going to bring the country to a standstill, though, a load of students not getting out of bed
- gaec2: Now if you move your bed to in front of a fuel depot...
- umh20: No - that's just an invitation for the general public to steal your duvet cover

7.2.01
[Misheard by mag32] gaec2 quoting matt6v32: So do not worry, saying "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?". For the penguins run after all these things [...and your heavenly Father knows you need them]
mag32: Rather than doing a PhD while juggling two babies in your hands...
acr33 to mpj23: Could you give me Zoë's room?
- sl236: On a plate...
gaec2: I wonder if Marks and Sparks are doing flats by mail order now
acr33: [looks up] For some reason I just thought of a big yellow rubber duck
pjs35: In view of the fact I have a 12 o'clock lecture, it might not be a bad idea for me to have some tea
- acf29: Is it *ever* a bad idea for *you* to have some tea, Phil?

6.2.01 (Serge's Birthday / Drop the Debt Chalking)
acr33: I've got an inbox full of hairy lip squids
sl236: I'm sure my face could be reconfigured, with deft application of...
- mag32: Bed?
mpj23: We are arriving in Optimists' Land. Please set your month back one month.
- acr33: It works for me...
acr33: Mike obviously doesn't have wide enough hips
jsn23: [A lecturer] looks like he'll die halfway through the lecture
- awr25: Sounds like Dr Osborne
- jsn23: No - *he* looks like his body will die but he'll just go on lecturing. He looks like he'll say, "I'm only keeping this physical form to put up with you mere mortals. Once I leave this lecture I will return to being pure spirit..."
mpj23: A cupboard pheromone? Is that how cupboards attract other cupboards, so that they can mate and have hordes and hordes of baby cupboards?
jsn23: "You can kill Alex, just don't harm my goblets!"
[caption to photo] jsn23: How are you meant to swing a lump of plastic?
jsn23: Try cycling into the river Cam and see how far you get
mpj23 to gaec2: Is this what you're writing your essay on - "The Mathematics of Potato Creation Through Stargazing"?
jsn23: I am covered by compscis. My topology is compsci...
jsn23: You ever try fitting someone my size in a fridge?
mpj23: Why are you going through an advent calendar now? - gaec2: Because I forgot to last month. - mpj23: But last month was January!
gaec2: My ties periodically go on pilgrimages.
mpj23: There must be an emperor of hairy lips
acr33: "What do burnt offerings and sacrifices translate to today?" Oh, I know that one - marshmallows.

5.2.01
mpj23: Angela, it's always so foggy in here that you can't see your feet!
sfb24: Beethoven, he's a bit dangerous - you walk in the house, and he attacks you with a sonata.
awr25: If the San Andreas fault were a polymer, then it could be crazed
jek25: Would Dean rather be described as spam, whipped cream, or a school bus?
mpj23 to gaec2: You're not a ship
- jek25: Yes, but he is a caravan
jek25: Can someone explain the sex, bondage and little furry animals thing?
- gaec2: Well, when Serge used to say he was into animé, people thought he watched cartoons of sex and bondage. Now they think he watches Pokémon.
sfb24: [composing a poem] In the clearing in a wood / Gelatinous and chocolate-covered...

4.2.01
sl236: I will not eat food I haven't been introduced to
acr33: There doesn't actually seem to be any words in this sentence
acr33: Repeat after me: I wil not drop beard trimmings in the toastie sandwich maker
pjs35: Don't do this at home, kids!
- mpj23: What, ride in a giant cat with ten legs?
gaec2: It's got rather more windows than most cats
mpj23 to akh23: We'll buy you a quantum leap and install it in your bathroom
aethd2: You can call me Death if you want - it'd clear up confusion

3.2.01 (Ant arrives, via Planeshift tournament)
ant66 to acr33: Stop being so precise - it makes you sound like a decimal point
acr33: Next time your pineapple charges up, it'll have green electric things coming out the top of it
rja29: I /love/ having ethernet cable draped over me
acr33: My parents' house was a little flat, to start with.
- mag32: What happened, did it grow up?!
- acr33: No - they lost weight :)
gaec2: What are these pea-like things?
- sl236: They're cabbage too. Mmm. That's what happens to the cabbage after we get at it. The bits that don't run away, anyway.
acr33: We are the mathmos who say "Pure!"
acr33: How do you get a caravan lighthouse?
acr33 to gaec2: If you were a girl, you'd be so lucky!
douglas: Tickling with sharp things isn't usually called tickling.
- ant66: No, it's more commonly known as murder
ant66: That would be a really good way to assassin
- acr33: What, sitting on someone?
a letter to awr25: "It is essential that you quote this number at all times: 500072640"

2.2.01 (Unexpected Animé Boy meets the Den of Innie Q. T)
prt10: Kung Fu with chopsticks is an excellent movie sub-genre
dgs26: Is it my imagination, or was that guy wielding only an abacus?
dgs26: I have this image now of Frankenstein in the pink bunny outfit playing the drum...
pam: You need to put your melon in an airing cupboard
- acr33: I haven't got one of them - will a tumble drier do?

1.2.01
acr33: You're wurbling. As a penguin, it's your duty.
gaec2 to acr33: Go stick your head in a - nice bowl of fruit salad. ... Oh. My neck appears to be a nice bowl of fruit salad. By official decree.
mag32: I made a little thing that was a cross between a dog and a tortoise
- sl236: Which is also a videotape. Mmmm.
umh20: I had a few big Connect 4 times in my life

Wed 31.1.01
acr33: [reading Greek] Ai-doo-sin. [gaec2 giggles] - Nooo! That's really unfortunate-sounding!
gaec2: I'm turning into Dr Grojnowski!
acf29: Horizontal genetics imply inbreeding

Tue 30.1.01
acr33: I am not a family conference!
mpj23: Much confuzzlingnessment!
acr33: That's the last time I'm asking you to sit on my dog!
- mpj23: That belongs in the phone...
- acr33: A whole dog wouldn't fit!
- gaec2: It might do. It could be a subatomic dog! Excellent - a molecular Chihuahua!
acr33: I am a lettuce. And you are not.
mag32: I shall be sure to put on my mike-coloured glasses before trying to understand an email again

Mon 29.1.01
seb24: Be nice to everybody - especially yourself! And how to you be nice to yourself? By being nasty to everyone else!
awr25: I keep thinking I'm purple - I'm in fact green
jsn23: My turban is a shrine of dodginess!
gaec2 [talking Maths to self]: I need to come up with a wacky definition at this point
- acr33: Rainbow mutated Zulu warriors.
- gaec2 [apologetically]: I was thinking more of "composable product of homsets", actually...
- acr33: Mine's more wacky.
- gaec2: I fear you're correct.

Sun 28.1.01 (Alex & Angela die)
acr33: I'm generally suspicious of flowers in all circumstances
mag32: There was a time I lent Matthew Bentham a book, and he read it in a field and a horse ate it
acr33: Life is not straight and narrow. It's bumpy and fat.
acr33: Let he who is without sin remove the big plank from his eye
acr33: If you see babies in shop windows, you'll know the models without arms or legs have been breeding
akh23: I'd like to apologise to everyone for being in a strange mood for the past 21 and a half years. I'd like to state that this mood is likely to continue...
mpj23: In the event of an emergency, a pair of pants will fall from the locker above your head. Please place the pants on your head and continue to breathe as normal...
acr33: Cos Christ just walked around saying "I'm nice"...
akh23: Yes, a lawnmower is very like the Queen in some ways
akh23: Much pinkness of nice-wooly-thing-round-headness
mpj23: Morag, does your clock normally talk to you?
- mag32: I'm not involved in this discussion
- pjs35: No, you're talking to your clock!
[Misheard by acr33] gaec2: I'm a terminal worm [ - Um, a terminal where my... keyboard ended up ]
sac48: All that I managed to break into is a small concrete room where the wheelie bins are kept; surprisingly enough, my target wasn't there
sac48: Defending your door from the evil ginger-cake-bearers who stalk the streets of Cambridge
sac48: I know a friend of hers at Jesus [college], who I know cos he's in Juggling society and I'm not
gaec2: God speaks in so many ways: you've got dreams, you've got voices, you've got visions, you've got random Macedonian blokes

Sat 27.1.01
acr33 to gaec2 [matter-of-factly]: Could you put Mike in a pillowcase, please?

Fri 26.1.01
mag32 re sl236: He's so cute - he sleeps in the car
- acr33: Driving?!
gaec2: Greetings, my name is Sokeyachucha!
mag32 to acr33: You walked right through her - that's really rude!
acr33 to mag32: You are very very vicious!
- mag32: Why'd'you think I want a giant red pepper with fangs?
umh20: The example sheet could take us an infinite amount of time - this is why I don't like applied maths...
acr33: It'd be quite cool being lectured by a dead lecturer

Thu 25.1.01
elaine: It's the fresh fruit and veg
- kenton: What are they? I use instant runner bean powder!
philippe: We'll need to make sure everyone has something to do
- kenton: Yeah, the church office floor needs a scrub, doesn't it? [ - philippe: Are you volunteering?]
steve: We're still allowed to talk to [Josie]
- kenton: Talk to people in *other cells*? Not likely!

Wed 24.1.01
sl236: If you got a Fireball just right so it shaped things...
- acr33: "Fire-exterior design!" "Fire-landscape garden!"

Tue 23.1.01
acr33: Avez-vous un pencil?
- gaec2: Non.
- acr33: You will have your legs removed then.

Sun 21.1.01
gaec2: Changing the aggressiveness of baby fish. It's her research interest!
- acr33: Not Britney Spears?!
akh23: Help - I've been Miked!
mpj23 to akh23: You keep a spanner in your mobile phone?
[ Misheard by mpj23 ] acr33: Is this our Susan-and-Matthew dance?
akh23 to mag32 re sweets: You've got nerds!
- mag32: Yes - one there, and one there! [pointing at sl236 then rja29]
gaec2 to akh23: You are the first boat - goodbye...
acr33 to gaec2: She's your age, isn't she? Or rather, she's your age from when you were her age...

Sat 20.1.01
hazel: I strained my wrist. Repetitive Strain Injury - opening a curry jar...
jjb37: We had 10 metres of snow, if you measured it down the garden!
mpj23: I like [Turkish Delight], but not whole roomfuls of it!
acr33: What else would you use cauliflower for, watering your garden?
mpj23: Repeat after me, I will not dive into the floor
mag32: Nothing is beyond God, not even Microsoft
acr33: Could you not get a spring, Serge? So that you could bounce, cos people talk to people who bounce...
[D] gaec2: 2 to the 14 times 3 to the 5 times 5 to the 2 times 7 to the 1! Excellent!!
gaec2: You could have a conversation with your washing powder
sjc64: I spent quarter of an hour scraping solid wax out of my Coke glass, so that I didn't look too silly when they came to collect the glasses

sl236:
I had a very weird dream last night. It was about a series of adverts starring carrots. Well, bulky men in carrot suits. The first few just had people in ordinary situations with carrot-besuited blokes pulling faces behind them at the camera. Then the carrots started getting vicious: people were snatched and carried away, screaming and kicking. An advert was filmed in a boardroom: the Head of Marketing, facing away from his council in his big black armchair, was going through the marketing plans for the next quarter, when one of his subordinates piped up. "Please sir, " - she said, in a high, piping voice, "why carrots?"
The boardroom was then stormed by a horde of carrots, who promptly gagged all the council members, as the armchair turned around to show a large carrot wearing Head of Marketing's suit and stroking his fluffy white cat.
The next month's series of adverts ended with the slogan, "Carrots just are."
The whole thing came to a close with the release of a feature-length film on racial equality and carrot freedom.
The final scene, with the US president shaking a lowly carrot's hand, quickly gave the film a cult following.
Tearful crowds of protesters resulted in Sainsburys banning inhumanely grown carrots from their shelves. Carrots quickly became the national vegetable. Americans finally noticed the existence of the British Isles. In an Oscar-winning episode of Pokemon, Pikachu was eaten by a carrot.
Souvenirs were sold: boxes, which 9 times out of 10 contained a carrot. The remaining ones had in them a plexiglass container holding a pickled carrot cut in half.
Then I woke up.


Fri 19.1.01
mag32 [unintentionally]: Mike, surely you've lost marbles?
acr33: Does that mean Dr Forster teaches maths *and* compsci?
- gaec2: [answering] Teaches maths; supervises coffee...
sl236: How did I get you onto tambourines?
- rja29: By talking about pomegranates...
pjs35: A Hungarian theologian from where?
- ajpw2: Hungary... [ - pjs35: Maybe I'd better drink some tea before opening my mouth again ]

Wed 17.1.01
zcl21: I almost have feet
john: Most donkeys have been around at least four years
steven: I read an article about God today
- acr33: Unexpected, for a theologian, really....
acr33: Imagine trying to sleep on a live walrus

Tue 16.1.01
[D group] acr33: We've got no social life without email!
mpj23: Does that mean that "to people" is to turn something purple?
gaec2: I've made more use of alpha, lambda and rho today than any sane person should have to.

Mon 15.1.01
acr33: I've got that skirt in those trousers - if that makes sense
acr33: What's the difference between "who" and "whom"?
- ... jsn23: Two classic examples: "Who farted?" and "On whom do I fart?"
jsn23: Alex, you know when to duck - it's when you see a large chunk of wood hurtling towards your head
mpj23: Angela, you don't mind if your bread board gets sellotaped to Chinese Chess, do you?
jsn23 to gaec2: Maybe you should grow a 'tache and get a stupid hat, then
- acr33: No, he hasn't looked like that for years now actually

Sun 14.1.01
[anti-defining] akh23: I'm an introvert!
acr33 to gaec2: I'd better be evil, or you're in trouble!
gaec2 to acr33: You should not go "Cool!" when your boyfriend turns into a horse!

Sat 13.1.01
acr33: I'd like to be paid for a blind eye
jsn23: I have to go visit Simon, to feed off him

Fri 12.1.01
acr33: I've never seen a lemon
mpj23: It sounds like something with six legs that you spread on toast
[The two quotes above were, regretfully, totally unconnected]
jsn23 to akh23: I'll buy you a rubber duck if it'll make you happy
mpj23: The orange bowl will be my yellow friend
akh23: Will you be my yellow friend, Mike?
- mpj23: As long as it doesn't involve contracting jaundice
akh23: If someone could just ask Rob out, or go out wth Rob for a bit and then split up with him, that'd create him some more lines. [in a relationships diagram] [realisation dawns] Oh no - I'm the only single girl here!
jsn23: I think I have to apologise for my existence to a lot of people, simply for sitting on them
rja29: There's only room for one person dressed in black in this house
acr33: Having a "thyroidness" would be rather unfortunate
acr33: To bray is a word, isn't it?
- sl236: Awwww... I was going to do that...
sl236: [defining rules for Scrabble] We only allow compsci terms if they're also digestive noises

if a marble bounces, does it become an orange?
no. obviously. it may become o'ranche, but not an orange.
 

-*- ciccu houseparty 2001 -*-

Fri 12.1.01
mpj23: His arms were as flexible as arms ever are
njh48 to sml30: Why do you have stripy glasses?
acr33: Was it a spherical fish?
acr33: Phil has his own personal gale
acr33 to gaec2: I have a big pointy stick which I will use to clean your ears out
gaec2: Whut is your name?
- jenny: Me, or the jellybaby?
sml30: Can I sleep into you, Phil?
saj24: Brute force and ignorance are what's required here, and I've got lots of ignorance
pjs35: [pushing his bag in vain into the coach rack] It fitted on the way here!
- mpj23: What have you been feeding it, Phil?!
rico tice: [walks into a room, then announces] Okay, off to Newcastle-upon-Tyne, 'cause I'm a stupid fool! [walks off]
saj24: If you're happy and you know it, have a mousse- yippee!
gaec2: "Hello, this is the orange of God"

can a marble truly be lost?
apparently so... on the evidence of these surreal insertions into an otherwise perfectly normal quotes file

Thu 11.1.01
[Misheard by ajt42] riap2: CU's not very forgiving [ C (the programminng language) is not very forgiving ]
acr33: People have lots of slots to turn keys in
- gaec2: What, like nostrils??
- acr33: Yeah, that kind of thing
acr33: If your leg was on fire, would you run into a fridge?
acr33: These are three magi. They have kings on their heads.
mpj23: We are not all you, Mr Sumner. You may have noticed this from time to time.
- pjs35: Just as well, really...
acr33: I need many things in life, but principally I need Jesus, not a teaspoon
toni: I work for UCCF, which I like to think is "Uncle Charlie's Chocolate Factory"

Tue 9.1.01
gaec2: Don't cows go "doh!"?
mpj23: It would be easier to give a car a pair of jeans than it would to sacrifice a wig [The context: a discussion about hairy cars...More details available on request!]
nsg27: Most cutlasses aren't made of balloons!
saj24: Most loaves of bread I buy don't have Jo underneath them
acr33: What about the shrubbery's feelings?
- saj24: Stuff the shrubbery's feelings - it's made of brambles!
saj24: I think I might have removed the shrubbery. Either that or I tied myself to it
mpj23: The roads round here aren't that bad
- saj24: They will be once we've finished with a pickaxe!
gaec2: I just got tickled by my phone
saj24: [looking at building emitting smoke] Buildings aren't suppose to do that. Clouds don't come from buildings.

we are all marbles, in the great race of life.
which must mean that race is all but extinct by now...
 

-*- new year houseparty 2000-2001 -*-

Tue 2.1.00
acr33: And my cheese sandwich is cheesier than his backside.
acr33: Alex being alive is a major irritation for me
acr33: Need chocolate - got no creatures!
acr33 to gaec2: Before you know it, you'll be wishing I was a Fire Elemental, so you can just be quiet!
mag32: That would explain why watching animé is not your cup of tea: it's not in fact a cup of Red Label with hot water and milk
sl236: Angela's going to gang up on me. All on her own.
[D jsn23] mpj23: I should avoid the word "big" when Nagi's readng any book about genitalia, should I?
mpj23: My life has become a pawprint
acr33: I was going to say "It's quite nice that you don't have to download tons of orange juice". I don't know why I was going to say that.

Mon 1.1.01
akh23: Mike, you'll get your just desserts in a minute, and I'll have them for main course!
jsn23 to gaec2: Your pen has been firing Cruise missiles at my face!
jsn23: You can challenge me if you wish. You will die trying, but...
mpj23: Anne, would you like to reboot your sanity chip?
akh23: I hate everyone!
- mpj23: You didn't eat me!
akh23: My dad's a dustpan
akh23: How would I go about searching for you, James?
- james: Custard Moonboots.
- acr33: You have to wear them while you search...
acr33: Seeing as that's not ours, shall we try not to burn its legs off?!
gaec2: Take the bottle away rather than them taking Anne away!
[D akh23] acr33: You need to look at individuals' contributions to the group
- akh23: I contribute by general noisiness!
jsn23: When I'm in a room with people, I don't mind running round with an axe!
jsn23: I don't even have a dance hall at home!
akh23: I like killing people!
- mag32: That's not quoteworthy - that's normal, not silly!
mpj23: Why do men have an advantage in shoe size?
- akh23: Agressive hormones!
akh23: I'm not a runtime exception! [Context: As in "I'm not throwable". Feel enlightened now??]
helen to gaec2: That's an evil glare! - acr33: No, he always looks evil when he's upside down

and no sabotage at the very bottom of the file? mr anonympjous, we at the agency are disappointed in you... better watch out opening your orange juice next week (This was at the very bottom of the Jan 2001 quotes file)
 

-*- new year houseparty 2000 -*-

Sun 31.12.00
mag32: I can't read Russian in English
helen: You're not lying on top of me tonight!
mpj23: Oh. You took my drink away.
- acr33: Well, actually, I spilt it on your sock.
- mpj23: [looks down] Oh. So you did.
ant66: Alex: [gesturing] Fish. Rabbit. Surreal creature. Think of it as a Venn diagram.
acr33: [picks up phone] Hello, Matt, Morag and Rob's phone? ...Ah - hello, Rob!
acr33: I've taken Anne over!
[first quote of 2001] akh23: Within about a minute of the new millenium, I've received a death threat!
ant66: Hyodge hordes of invincible squirrels!
akh23: That's like sex and babies, isn't it, drink and intoxication!
mpj23: Ant met Susan in his sleeping bag.
- ant66: That's the second time!
ant66: It's sort of like a Venus Fly Trap!
- akh23: What?
- ant66: Susan!
akh23: It's eleven? So there's only half an hour till midnight.
acr33: Bless you, with many blessings of great custard.
[D] acr33: Has anyone seen a big rainbow lying around here?
gaec2: Angela, there's a taxi underneath your knee
ant66: Ni-ni-ni-wom
- acr33: Jackalip
- james: Ni-ni-ni-wom
- acr33: Jackalip
- ant66: Ni-ni-ni-wom
- acr33: Jackalip
- douglas: Do you have any idea how distracting that is?
acr33: I don't want spurious green
akh23: I've done it again - I've eaten my watch
mag32: If I plugged that computer into a normal power supply, the house would blow up
- dgs26: Always a sign of a good computer
akh23: If Alex was a shower, we'd have two showers
ant66: We lashed [Alex] to the floor. With lashings of whipped cream.
mpj23: Excuse me while I kick you in the head, Alex

Sat 30.12.00 (Start of the time in Cambridge)
akh23: If Rudolf doesn't exist, he can't have private parts.
- acr33: That's a bit harsh!
helen: I've been here twelve hours and I just said "Ano ne"
mpj23: Do you have any idea how hard it is to blow up an air mattress when people are making your legs vibrate?
acr33: It's reincarnation, Mike - you come back in a different body, not the same ones mashed up!
akh23: I'm worried because I have a fish, and it talks to me.
gaec2: I was even filmed in a fake dead sheep
helen: I've a feeling I just destroyed someone's supply of ten taxis
mpj23: The ant dynamo: I can just see it, him tied to a pile of veggieburgers revolving gently in mid air...
acr33: We're following a purple tube down the road
gaec2: Scary!
- mpj23: But E might not scare easily, though.
- gaec2: I hope not, for Easy Lee's sake...
mpj23: Angela, tip: drink orange juice, don't breathe it
[Misheard by acr33] james: If you want to take walnuts higher, mum, I'll help you [If you want to take one at a time, I'll help you]

Fri 29.12.00 (First mini-houseparty in Woking)
james: Ah, trying to do the Riverdance in a sleeping bag - great fun!
mpj23: "When I want to grow up, I want to be tonic water!"
ant66: A big green blowgug
- mpj23: That sounds like somewhere I learnt about in a geography lesson
gaec2: Yes, Ant's going to have to chop his hair off, bake it, and give it to a teacher as a bribe, to get good exam results [as in: He's going to have to put his hair in a bun for school]
acr33: [Alex] has been away for three years
- ant66: And so I wouldn't have seen him developing his long orange extendable arms?
mpj23: Do you ever wonder about your girlfriend, Alex, when she says "Cool!" when someone threatens to attack her with a knife?
acr33: You'd know if you put a cow in your coffee
- ant66: What, cos it'd be mooing at you?
ant66: Alex launches towards the phone, fingers peeled
acr33: It's my right as a woman to be treated like a firework
mpj23: If I'd grown up with blue plates maybe I'd have been Alan!
mpj23: Excuse me while I throw broccoli at you
mpj23: So James' camera is going to start gouging people's eyes out with bits of wood
mpj23: They're probably related, but they're definitely not the same person
 

-*- christmas holiday 2000 -*-
Wed 27.12.00
ant66: Oh, for a Volcanic Wind right now.
- gaec2: Ha, how many times have we all said that...
- ant66: Well, lots while wandering round Skegness in midwinter, but...

Tue 26.12.00 (Boxing Day)
mum: Spades in tutus! Now there's a prospect. - dad: No there isn't, not unless you're very strange...
dad: Don't ask your brother to fetch animals when it's his bid!
gaec2: We'll shout encouraging slogans at you. - james: "Encouraging slogans!"
del: Did I get my nothing? Yes I didn't.
del to gaec2: Did you see the programme on TV about you yesterday?
- gaec2: No?
- del: Yes, called "Big Al" - about one of the dinosaurs...

Mon 25.12.00 (Christmas Day)
celia: I'd love to be a cocktail

Sun 24.12.00
robby: I'm eating myself!
dad to ant66: I nearly patted your foot on the nose
dad: Metal thingies are probably better than plastic thingies.
- ant66: That is a metal thingy?
- dad: Um... "worse", is the word I was looking for.
ant66: You know it's Christmas when there's a packet of butter melting underneath the fire

Sat 23.12.00
acr33: I'll put my clothes in the oven, no problem.
dominic: When I get ashamed I tend to eat people's fingers
james: Do you like dinner-plates the size of spiders?
ant66: Stop eating other people's bodily parts, Alex!

Fri 22.12.00
mum: Bill Oddie is a man of many parts. Spare parts. He grows extra ears on his arms, for transplant purposes, that kind of thing.

Wed 20.12.00
ant66: I thank you for your kind offer of hospitality....No hospitality today, thanks.
james: It's probably not a good idea to fake kicks of someone who does Kung Fu, is it?

Tue 19.12.00
mum to alex: You'd better get in quick - between your brother and your dad, these biscuits have a very limited life expectancy
- dad: Ooh! I absolve myself of... the majority of the responsibility for that!

Mon 18.12.00
dad: There's something seriously wrong with the world when you can't carbonise a CD-Rom!
gaec2: They're my pyjama trousers. And they're on my head. And they're the wrong way round.
- dad: What's the right way round to have a pair of pyjama trousers on your head?
ant66: What's that, a rabbit? Oh, a fire. Oh, OK.
mpj23: "Hey God, I'm getting bored - can you turn me into a great big shark?"
acr33: Eve was in the Garden, playing Scalectrix. But go on.
acr33: There aren't many tigers in the world - they're extinguishing
daily telegraph headline: How can anything relaxing involve shallots?

Sun 17.12.00
tal20 [wearing long black cape and dress shirt]: Look at me! [spins round carrying 6 bags] I'm a weirdo!
acr33: Yes, we keep maids in short skirts in our fridge - that's why you mustn't open the door for too long
helen: You're meant to have three meals a day, and stop in between...
acr33 [at church having not been home for a while, looking at babies]: Everyone's grown, though!
- helen: No - you've shrunk.
preacher: Some corny person said, "The difference between Christians and non-Christians is, non-Christians get out of bed and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning', and Christians say 'Good morning, Lord!'"
gaec2: I don't like it when my face does things without me telling it to

Sat 16.12.00
acr33 [talking to puter]: What d'you mean, "Error opening port"?
- gaec2: Now if your dad were here, he knows about shipping and ports and things...
- acr33: He'd reach for a corkscrew!
helen: Are we creating our own cathedral in the family room?
gaec2: I'll retrieve my head from the ceiling, shall I?
- acr33: Please do - I'm so fed up with people leaving their heads there!

Fri 15.12.00 (Nokky visits Kent)
harry: I managed to get an insurance quote for 500 camels in half an hour. Camels is unusual - it's not my normal line of work - but...

Thu 14.12.00
acr33: Actually, a "How" is just a grown-up "Ow"!
james: He does have a little bit of hair, on the back of his hair

Wed 13.12.00
ant66: They don't call me the Ninja-Rope Herring for nothing
- kevin: Do they call you the Ninja-Rope Herring at all?
- ant66: No...
- kevin: Is that cos you're not a herring?
dad: Let's play "Eating Antony's hair"
ant66: I can chew the top of my head

Tue 12.12.00
ant66: I feel a bit silly singing to a table
gaec2: The Haagen-Dazs Ice Cream looks like a pizza.
- dad: Everything looks like a pizza! Anything you want, as long as it's a pizza...

Mon 11.12.00
gareth mccaughan to angela rayner: You and I are two of the three people on uk.religion.christian whose names fit to "Morning has broken"
gaec2: Two slices of bread materialised next to my wrist

Sun 10.12.00 (The Nokia returns to Bournemouth)
dad: Your bathroom, should you choose to accept it, ...
gaec2: I went up and offered the jellybaby a lecturer once
acr33 to gaec2: You're pointing towards heaven and I'm pointing towards France. I don't like this!

Sat 9.12.00 (The first sleepover of term)
mag32: Ibble, peoples! What shall we doobles?
[caption to photo 7] mag32: Take me to the kitchen, Serge-kun
gaec2: Sleep and caffeine: opposite sides of the same coin.
- sl236: Can I have one?!
mpj23: What happened to your door?
- sl236: It jammed.
- acr33: With raspberries.
gaec2: We've got a teacher who's half primary school, half recorded answerphone!
sl236: "I'm just off to do my maths on the wardrobe"
acr33: But I don't have any antlers in my handbag

Fri 8.12.00 (Homeless Carol Service & Christmas Dinner)
gaec2: That guy's fairly unusual, though - he's got glowing red eyes and forehead
acr33: Everyone looks like a grandad except women in party hats
rja29: The point in free range chickens is not that you sacrifice them!
sl236 [after a spillage]: I now have mulled trousers
gaec2 [playing with electronic calendar]: I shall scroll on to October, one month's time
mpj23: I don't think you've understood the principle of custard, have you, Angela?
mag32 to rja29: I shall be worried if your relationship with Mike is like Matt and Susan [mag32 leaves]
- rja29: [whispers] I won't tell her about Serge, then
[D group] gaec2: We've filled three and a half screens with quotes today, and we've not even had dessert
acr33: Lettuces don't speak Russian!
- sl236: You've obviously not met the same lettuces I have
gaec2: "Difficult" doesn't usually have a "J" in it, does it?
acr33: It's probably quite difficult to rinse chickens in the bath
acr33: Why would you want to drink coke out of Alex's ears?
mpj23: Much bizarrity!
- acr33: Bizarrity isn't a word!
- mpj23: Yes it is - I've just invented it.
- acr33: I uninvent it!
- mpj23: You can't uninvent words!
- acr33: "Yt...ir...ra...zib" - there!
- mpj23: "Bizarrity" - I've reinvented it!
- acr33: "Yt..." - oh, never mind!
acr33: People only say 'Behold' when there are angels around. Alex's dinner must be made of angels!
- mpj23: I should have done all this phoning before now.
- acr33: You can't phone angels! If we could, we'd be phoning them all the time. To do our work. [looks round at silence] Well I would...
acr33 to gaec2: Just because you don't have a taste for your chicken soup, doesn't mean you should chuck it on someone's sofa!
acr33: Ah... I should be a musical instrument.
mpj23: star mercilessly lashes window star
- pjs35: star window mercilessly breaks star
acr33: Group collective you, tell group collective you, about the blob
mpj23 to acr33: I hope you realised Alex was a bloke fairly early on
acr33: I didn't realise this for ages: I am pure also
mag32 to gaec2: We'll make a music stand out of you yet

Thu 7.12.00
acr33: Is that your face naturally, or are you just like that sideways?
gaec2: It appears that this chair is too solid
gaec2: I frequently go out wearing a cheese-slice
gaec2: Oh, Mike, I warned you not to fall off the phone!
gaec2: Do you often have blankets in your mind?

Tue 5.12.00
acr33: I want to go to bed but I don't want to take my boots off
acr33: Go away, you big fat thing! - [hastily, to gaec2] I was talking to the paperclip
mpj23: I was going to say that's a powerful card, but it's not, it's my elbow
mpj23: My grandad when he died was still nearly not bald at all, and my dad still has all his hair
acr33: Men! Can't live with them... can't use bicycles instead.
gaec2: Mike, you're the kitchen [ - acr33: This is not a good way to keep friends]
gaec2: You make it sound like you're going to electrolyse the kitchen
acr33: I'm sure I put a squirming mass round here somewhere!
[uncharacteristic] gaec2: I was thinking of buying them just for the brand name. [ask gaec2 or acr33 for context...]
acr33: What does Russell stand for?
- mch36,aethd2,acr33: Real... Union Supporting... Slightly... Egalitarian... Left-wing Liberalism.
- acr33: Does Russell know this?!

Mon 4.12.00
gaec2: Fanta! Pour it on your Nintendo 64!
acr33 + akh23: I see no reason why horizontal line season should ever be forgot...
akh23: And the Lord said...
- acr33: Boo!
gaec2: You can't fit a tea machine in a thermos flask
- acr33: You can if it's small enough
sl236: The teapot spirit is the root of all evil
sl236: There's an old Russian hangover cure: you put the teapot in the oven for half an hour
akh23: I keep having urges to throw computers out of windows
- rja29: You're running Windows, aren't you?
rja29: Some computers in Cambridge have been hacked into
- pjs35: How - what happened to them?
- akh23: Somebody took an axe and chopped their monitors in two
gaec2 [misquoting the Bible]: For we are not saved by a Telnet that comes from men...
gaec2: The Holland Inter-Collegiate Christian Union cows party!
akh23: I've only got one thing tomorrow and it's a horizontal line
mpj23: Finnish looks like an accident with a typewriter
acr33: Alex, we don't have any spare Eiffel Towers around here - can you please take that cushion of your head
akh23: There isn't any tea in this.
- acr33: But this is a Really Scary Pink Spider. And you don't usually get tea in Really Scary Pink Spiders
rja29: We have "weird" juice. Where "weird" equals whatever it is.
akh23: 46% of statistics are made up on the spot.
- mpj23: /85%/ of statistics are made up on the spot?
- sl236 [confused]: I thought it was 96%...
acr33: [The loo] needs lots of huggles and saying hello to

Sun 3.12.00 (Visit from the Mice)
acr33: I wish I had really purple eyes
- mag32: Get some implants
mag32: Imagine saying [Plopsies] in a grown men's coalmine

<The above P word is not really written in this phone. We apologise for any inconvenience or offence this may have caused. In the meantime, the lifejackets are under your seat. Enjoy your flight.>

gaec2: [looks up] Oh... I've been having editorial notes added, have I? Right, I guess... [resigned look]
We now return you to the quotes from 3rd December...
acr33: Besides, ears wouldn't suit me
pjs35: Mnyaow
- mpj23: Phil, I'd go to see the vet if I sounded like this
mpj23: Why don't we help ourselves onto plates?
- gaec2: No, Mike, that's bad grammar - you mean "help each other onto plates".
- ea212: But that would be bad common sense.
- mpj23: Is that uncommon sense?
- rja29: No, common nonsense...
ea212: You've just got a bunch of old men in your army... and stolen cows.
acr33 to ea212: I'd be in trouble if I ran off without my legs
audrey: Is there parking in the Corn Exchange?
- gaec2: Well, they sometimes have Robbie Williams.
- audrey: I bet he can park.

Sat 2.12.00
acr33 [in car]: We all huggle driver, we all crash! Bang bang...
acr33: Morag, can I come and vamp you?
mag32 [describing an anime]: Her mother's decreed that she'll be a great shrine maiden, and she has no choice about it
- acr33: I know that feeling
gaec2: We pray for splurge
acr33: It'd be stupid praying prayer points off a bicoloured purple pig, it'd keep moving around
mpj23: Mike like small fluffy things, be they cats or babies
sl236: I'll try not to be hairy
mpj23: I think I will go down when my parents come up
mag32 to gaec2: In real life your head is short and brown and fluffy
mpj23 to gaec2: Don't quote that - it was deliberate!
- gaec2: I won't. I couldn't spell it.
gaec2 to mag32: Which would you rather have, a cup of tea or a shed?

Fri 1.12.00
tseg2: Do you think Shan will show his forearms? [on a group holiday]
- acr33: I'm going if he does!
[D] gaec2: I can't type while cycling!
[FYI, this was me realising I can't type the entirety of a surreal conversation about animate jumpers and the possibility of microwaving them]
mpj23: Do you not think it'd be a bit noticeable, somebody joyriding a crane around Cambridge? ...And if they tried to drive it over Garrett Hostel Bridge, it'll fall over.
gaec2 to acr33: You don't mind if I steal an entire forest from you, do you, dear?
[M] gaec2: What colour would you like your life? - mpj23: A pleasantly warm shade of pink

-*- michaelmas term 2000 -*-

Thu 30.11.00
[M] acr33: Who are the Aysen Bureaucrats and why are they tickling my feet?
- gaec2: Bureaucrats always tickle your feet, didn't you know?
[M] gaec2: I like the way you keep turning your gin purple
steve gane: We're made in God's image - we're made to do more than blob in front of a Playstation all day!
- acr33: Oh, that's what God's like - haven't you heard?

Wed 29.11.00
acr33: I'm feeling a funny urge to keep my eyes shut all of Friday night. Can you lend me a quid?
gaec2: A spoon is a good tool for cleaning a pan, but a pan is not a good tool for cleaning a spoon
nsg27: I'd need a wife.
- cemw3: We can find you one of those. It can't be that difficult!
acr33: Lucy cuts bread on a sheep!
gaec2 to lej26: Ooh, wedding photo - can I see?
- lej26: Yes, look! - Only be careful because his head fell off and it's held back on with Blu-Tack

Tue 28.11.00
gaec2: Gothic is a style of architecture
- acr33: I was one of them too
gaec2: Nagi is an inverse vampire!

Mon 27.11.00
akh23: I think CompSci becomes much easier if you think of it as a traffic jam
acr33: If you're still here when I get back then Hi anyway
akh23: I bumped into [my supervisor] in the photocopier

Sun 26.11.00
acr33: What, evil geniuses in a nutshell are user friendly?
- mpj23: Yeah. You have to trap them in the nutshell otherwise they're impossible to use, but once you chase them round a bit...
acr33: I'm not having a fish! I'm putting my foot down!
- sl236: You're having a squashed fish...
acr33: If that's the case then my room's lost its ceiling and it's fridge - two of my favourite things
gaec2: A button flew off my coat when I died
acr33: Serge is a complete washing powder!
- ... sl236: There you have it. I was half computer, but now I'm all washing powder.
- ...acr33: We have proved that Ariel Ultra works better than Serge in the kitchen!
- ...sl236: Magic Washing-Powder Boy Serge!
mpj23: Deus est caritas. [Latin for "God is charity"]
- acr33: God is a carrot?
acr33: [being tickled by Mike] Aaahh! - I mean - [being tickled by Alex] Aaahh!
acr33: Has anyone wanted to send St Pancras baby food, washing powder, soap, shampoo or baby cream?
colin: These flights [into Iraq] contained a strange mix of businessmen, politicians and football teams

Sat 25.11.00
acr33 to gaec2: For a start, your head isn't big and green. Or it wasn't when I last checked. Which is... now. Um...
acr33: Ooo, Christmas shopping in disguise, with wheels on!
mpj23: Alex's creatures are not being dented, are they?
sl236: So how does one shuffle a desk?
mpj23: Have a 3/6 tree...
acr33: No, horses look like that nowadays! It's part of the modernisation. They've turned blue and got wheels.
- sl236: Well I always said everything should have wheels... ...It's all safe and biological - they make the wheels out of sea urchins. Mmmm.
sl236: Everyone should have access to an infinite amount of sleep
[ Misread by mag32: Everyone should have access to infinite amounts of sheep... ]
acr33: "I always send my picture so people can put me in cabinets!"
acr33: I've never walked out of a room carrying a tree so quickly

Fri 24.11.00 (Union Soc Ball)
bjs29: I take it you haven't been living out this "dying" thing
acr33: I got a reply from someone offering me an apricot for me to go and pick up
[Misheard by gaec2] acr33: Al Ingall still has my old pestilence ( Al Ingall still has my Old Testament )
srh28 to akh23: You're probably the first and only person in history to be prodded awake by an EDSAC accumulator

Thu 23.11.00 (Cell Pot Luck dinner)
acr33: I don't read my Bible enough, so God gave me a boyfriend!
acr33 [praying]: Please give us more... I was about to say "calamity". I meant calmity.
rjh61: My head's not wired up right
- mpj23: Well that's why you need grace!
- rjh61: Who's she?
david: Maybe some children made up their own stories - and that's how we got Kenton!
kate: Remember, David, this is the old-fashioned island.
- kenton: No mobile phones, and no gel.
elaine gane: Kenton babysat.
- david gane: *Child*sat.
- kate gane: Anyway, he didn't sit on us!
acr33: Have you ever tried to kill a man with a pumpkin on his head?

Wed 22.11.00
acr33: For some reason I had an image of Mike climbing in my ears. ...Well you were saying "Close your mind", and Mike was talking, so I thought I ought to close my mind to him, and I had this image of Mike climbing in and saying "Let me in!"...
- mpj23: Well Angela, you should have closed your mind to the image, then, shouldn't you?
- acr33: But I couldn't - you were knocking really hard on my eardrums!
acr33: I haven't got any lectures tomorrow due to the Queen
mpj23: Are you practicing for traffic cones?
acr33: Did I go to sleep earlier? I remember not being awake...
sl236: If you leave cheese in the right places it might go blue
- gaec2: What, like a tin of blue paint?
mpj23: Did you stop it deliberately or on purpose?
lej26: [Playing logic games in CU] Was the man a Christian?
- sdt29: Irrelevant.
- lej26: Are you saying Christianity's irrelevant?

Tue 21.11.00
acr33: I wonder what a cat would do if you wrapped it in sellotape?
acr33: While you've been replying to emails, and being famous, I've been putting my coat on!
gaec2: The great thing about infinity is that it's so big!
acr33: You can't read the Old Testament cos Al Ingall has it

Mon 20.11.00
acr33: Salami has five pizzas! Um- Sebi has five salamis. Um...
acr33: Bother. Big bother.
- sfb24: Big Bother is watching you

Sun 19.11.00
ralph: Ed! Keys!
- ed: Come and engage in a simultaneous slap - then you can have them!
gaec2: Which door?
- mpj23: That door! He says helpfully pointing at no door at all
mpj23: I think Newcastle is a small price to pay for Bath
acr33: I'd be really sad if the man with the orange head exploded
jsk27: Well I study languages and they *never* explode.
mpj23: Just think how many trees you're blowing your nose on!

Sat 18.11.00 (Rob's birthday party)
mpj23: Does Rob only realise we're mad when we sign a convent?
- rja29: Now I shall garotte you with this cotton thread!
mpj23: Nubble - gaec2: Frequently.
mpj23: So, how do you use the toilet as a telnet terminal?
mpj23: You've heard of the film Dances with Wolves, but you've not seen Dances with Wrapping Paper.
[Misheard by james] mpj23: I take it that isn't a hamster firework! ( I take it that isn't a hand-held firework )
gaec2: Angela: Move! Don't get sparkled on!
james: What's the opposite of me? Him?
ghjm2: Most people think burgers are meant to be made of beef, but the cows are just caught as a side-effect of catching the dolphins
acr33: You're strange.
- gaec2: You're the one claiming to have a bone instead of a shoulder...
- acr33: No, that's you
gaec2: You've got to start worrying when Alex *doesn't* make an exclamation

Fri 17.11.00 (Apocalypse 2)
mag32: I want to screw up! Waah! Waah! Waah!
acr33: Gravity's like a big post-it note, really
pjt33: Buenos-Aires... bounces... extra-fast!
jsn23: This man [points at jl246], I nearly broke his arm.
- jl246: [looks puzzled briefly, then] Oh yeah, I remember that

Thu 16.11.00
steve gane [pointing at biscuit]: Rice Krispies in Araldite...
russell [attempting to read a Bible verse saying "Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and Herod"]: Watch out for the yeast of the Pharisees and Hereford.
josh: Why are we on earth?
- russell: Gravity...
acr33: I am becoming a combihne 'arvester
weird comments r me :))) *insane grin*
(so i see... *rueful sigh*)

Wed 15.11.00
[D gaec2] mpj23: Alex, please don't break my room
acr33: Is it me, or have the cherry bakewells got smaller?
- mpj23: No, it's you who's got smaller
tac20: Jeremy, put the piano down!

Tue 14.11.00
[Misheard by acr33] acr33: We'll have a full squad
- rjp29: Armed with the tea ( Armed to the teeth )

Mon 13.11.00
akh22: I think all of Mike's difficult letters come from Sainsbury's
acr33 to sl236 [who's halfway behind her desk which just caused a large "Crash"]: What exactly are you doing back there?

Sun 12.11.00
acr33: Oi! You can't just steal my pineapple - I'll stab you with my white plastic fork!

Sat 11.11.00 (Katie visits Cambridge)
mpj23: Katie's dream job: test-driving a hoover
acr33: Alex is not a social justice issue!
mpj23: You've given up worrying about him, haven't you, Nia?
- nre20: No, I do worry about Alex...
- acr33: It's not worth worrying about him!
- keb31: Yes, but some things are instinctive.
keb31: I'd never have described Alex as a combine harvester
[D] nre20: I don't have any problem with eating lots of chocolate
keb31: I can't say the possibility of [Rich Hainsworth's] becoming sane had actually occurred to me...
mag32: Anything smaller than this [gestures about a foot] has an Arm in it
mag32: Angela, you're meant to light the fire, not the match!
- mpj23: Actually, you're meant to light both...
mag32: How many electronics do you have on your knees, Alex?
nre20: I could be self-employed as Bartow's slave
acr33: Are you a frog?
- keb31: "Yes", and, "in what sense?"
- acr33: In a green and scaly sense - no - um...
[Misheard by gaec2] mag32: I apologise for the cable and I apologise for the Bavarian ( I apologise for the cable and I apologise for the vivarium )
acr33: If you were wooden, would you reveal it to the world?
acr33: [Susan] has never asserted that she isn't an owl

Fri 10.11.00
sml30: I have a flock of cannibal owls nesting in my room
[Misheard by gaec2] sml30: I'm eating Christina tomorrow ( I'm meeting Christina tomorrow )

Thu 9.11.00
acr33: I'm having an occasional depressive bout in my non-alcoholic lemonade

Wed 8.11.00 (Nick's surprise party)
acr33 [praying]: Father, I'm not too good at praying in bullets.
acr33: See what happens if you've got a girlfriend? You start hitting trees.
- mpj23: Oh, I've just got to find the right person - then I'll start hitting trees - that encourages me even more!
acr33: You get to heaven by playing harps?
acr33: But they like Serge - they can plug things into his parallel ports and let him go "Beep-beep-beep!" overnight
julie: Most frogs don't have pacemakers, so that's OK
bpt22: How do you persuade a frog to actually levitate?
nre20: ...Why did Jesus die all evening
gaec2.robinson: bash: pingaliveyness?: command not found
mpj23: We were talking about the theology of God being the one who cooks people

Tue 7.11.00 (Marisa's birthday party in Bournemouth)
acr33: I'd love to be a train announcer: I'd say some really wacky things. "Tonight's service will be delayed, due to exploding cows in the fields of England. And now I'm going to read you a poem by Wordsworth, about expoding cows.
  There was a young cow called Moo
  Who one day said, 'Aha - Boo!'
    He did a little jump
    And someone caught mumps
  And there was ever so much of a to-do."
[completely spontaneous and made up on the spur of the moment, in case it wasn't obvious...]
lej30: My life is getting so sad - choosing between Eastenders and Star Trek has become, like, a big issue for me!
nsg27: I want to be a hash brown

Mon 6.11.00
dancing teacher: Everyone stay in exactly the same place and take four steps backward!
acr33: Red yellow green purple white transparent underwear would be quite scary
acr33: [guessing American states] Minestroni! Mince pie!... Minisawdust! Minisuntan! ... [eventually] Minnesota!!
... I didn't get it from mimed across the room, I thought of it myself - I just had to go through the mince pie stage first
gaec2: Why don't you just keep your thumb in a cup?

Sun 5.11.00 (Ant leaves Cambridge)
acr33: Ah, Gary! Is he your aunt?
acr33: You use chopsticks to play the piano
sl236: [The Catholic church] forces them to be celibate; they can't use contraceptives; and the Church will fund the first three children?
- rjh31: It's religion, Serge; it doesn't have to make sense
mag32: What are they again? Death, War, Plague and Famine?
- acr33: What are these, Popes?!
mag32: What's a closed coal mine?
rjh31: It was just the idea of kidnapping someone and forcing them to ride camels...
sl236: A scarecrow tried some LSD, and discovered it was Phil... [ - sl236: Womble! I meant to say Womble! ]
pjs35: Most people should have got the email about... [points] Rich Hainsworth. [Rich looks paranoid] Actually, Rich is probably the only person here who didn't get the email. [Rich looks a lot more paranoid]
acr33: Do look out for any giraffes, camels or goats, because they're probably from my bedroom
rjh31: Malted dog. Which you then make a sweater out of. Obviously.
akh22: If your dog melts you can make a good sweater out of it
akh22: If Mike had let his hair grow long enough, it could make a good sweater for Susan.
acr33 to sml30: What's that noise?
- sml30 [steady look]: It's my mother
acr33: Rob's cowering in a corner trying to avoid being hit by anyone's orangey bit
acr33: Can't we just tell normal lightbulb jokes with chickens and roads?
- nsg27: "How many chickens does it take to change a road?"
gaec2: Please pray for me, that I won't die of tickling
gaec2: I don't understand, in general
acr33: You don't understand, it's the end of the world! It's all apocalyptic with lots of horsemen everywhere... and horse poo.
- gaec2: Where'd that come from?
- acr33: The horses!!
dad: "During my fourth year at Cambridge I learnt to reverse time!"
gaec2 [pointing inside cardboard box]: And in that plastic case under there I've got Cyndi Lauper
toh22: I watched you eat your food a few days ago
david: Whether you're young, old or indifferent

Sat 4.11.00 (Ant arrives in Cambridge)
ant66: I'll be sitting with my head embedded in the ceiling, and my feet about here [gestures 1 foot from floor]
ant66: I'm not used to moving towels to reveal messages about Rwanda
emily: I live in Derek's photo!
acr33: Look, my egg's on fire!
mpj23: Where's all my mana gone?
- ant66: I've eaten it!
ant66: Haha, I shall 'bad' your foot while you're not looking
acr33: I wonder what laying a clay pigeon would sound like
gaec2: I guess if she goes to the deert, she might need to ride a rhino... maybe...
acr33: [gaec2's] skin is so stretchy - if you used it as an Elastoplast you could sellotape it all up
[Misheard by ant66] gaec2: A fish called Lee is coming round to check that Morag sleeps ( "Official Lee is coming round to check that Morag sleeps." Doesn't make much more sense now you know what I meant, does it? )
sl236: Does anybody desperately need a knife?
- rja29: Not for eating...
acr33: I'm in a bad mood. Grump, grump.
- ant66: I shall tickle you again
- acr33: [hastily] I'm in a good mood again!
mag32: This car is going to get stopped for being nuts!
acr33: Ant looks at a fluffy green ant and goes "Is that me?"
dad: You have a good time now!
- ant66 [mournfully]: Oh, do I have to?
- mum: Oh, all right then, be really depressed & miserable!
- ant66 [bright & enthusiastically]: Okay!!
mnw21: [explaining how to play a game of cards] If you play an Ace of Bonks, and someone bonks it, then basically it's all blown up
gaec2: [This plot] is a fairly common one...
- acr33: Well I've never read an RPG with that plot...

Fri 3.11.00
acr33: The genitive comes along and trips me up with big genitive tentacles
acr33: Oh, it's a second declension female genitive noun. How silly of me not to get it.
mpj23: [being chemisty] You can only have para- and ortho- substituted leprechauns
[Misheard by gaec2] sl236: Did your T-shirt do the safety talk on liquid nitrogen?
( Did your *teacher* do the safety talk )
sl236: In Devon they wear little bakeries on their hats
acr33: Dorset, Somerset, it's all the same down there: All the faarrrmers wear wellington boots and combine 'arvesters
sl236: I took an old man strapped to a dynamo, and dangled a cookie to one side of him and a biscuit the other
acr33: We've talked before about the difference between biscuits and cookies! Biscuits you can take out of your floppy drive, if you press the button. Cookies crumble in there!
rja29: [Serge] strikes me as touchy-feely
- gaec2: He strikes me with an axe.
- sl236: Mmm... it was a touchy-feely axe...
sl236: It's okay to leave your glasses in the fridge for 800 years, but not the dishwasher [ - acr33: Why would you want to leave your dishwasher in the fridge? ]
mnw21: The only things you need to start a fire is some wood and a pyromaniac
- rja29: You don't need the wood!
acr33: I found orange juice on my "Home" key. I wondered who's been going to my home and drinking my orange juice!
sml30: I think God's preparing me to be Matthew's husband. Er...

Thu 2.11.00
gaec2 How's your knee?
- acr33: It's good to just have warmth and pressure on it. I could feed it to a giant crocodile...
acr33: I want to open my fun

Wed 1.11.00
mpj23: This is discontinuous in x, where x is defined as something unintelligible
mpj23: Don't use that loo: it's freezing cold, the door doesn't lock, it falls off when you try and close it and the window's broken.
- acr33: You didn't tell me that!
- mpj23: I thought you'd notice!!
mpj23: I have power - I only have to adopt this look and people cringe
- acr33: It's that particularly nasty "I'm about to make a mess in my nappy" look
mpj23: You guys are a reality anchor for me - I know my tummy is safe
sl236: But I can't surgically remove days from the year if you're eating my tummy!
mpj23: Are you afraid the 5th of November will be surgically removed from the year?
mpj23: If you will, for free, give me five dollars, I will, for free, give you a flower!
gaec2: In future years religious leaders will talk about the parable of the big orange head
mpj23: Does anyone want to rein in the washing-up tendencies of a Sergei?
- mag32: I'll go and jump on him - that's what he really wants
acr33: Jesus wants us for a sunbeam
- awr25: If he's God then he can get his own suntan
acr33: The young men are... feminine?!
earlier
kevin: Your hair is a mint fairy

Mon 30.10
awr25: Are you implying God didn't make Denmark?
acr33: Anybody sitting on the milk by accident?
jjb37: Mike said, "Of course I know the Pope - I've had theological debates with him on ICQ!"
sl236: Maybe I should try getting stuck on a train
mnw21: I only see him once I week!

Sun 29.10 (Angela's Birthday)
mag32: I think you've got a right to ask your neighbour to stop firing rockets at your house
[Misheard by gaec2] acr33: I want cheese painting ( I want to show you this painting )
sl236: Oh, sorry, I interrupted...
- mpj23: No you didn't - you didn't say anything!!
- rja29: Yes, he did interrupt - he said "Oh, sorry, I interrupted..."
acr33: "Excuse me, can I have my raised eyebrow back, please?" "Oh, it's a little deflated now, I hope you don't mind..."
acr33: Have you grown, Alex?
- gaec2: Frequently!
acr33: Do you think God says "Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh..."?
mag32: Serge was brought up as a one-year-old... [pauses, adopts puzzled expression at what she just said]
[D] gaec2: [looks round in bewilderment] What? Which bit of that do I quote?!
- mpj23 & acr33 [simultaneously]: Quote!
acr33: Morag, you haven't eaten all the sweets in Gwydir St, have you?
- mag32: [cute sad face] Why would you think I might have eaten them all?
- acr33: Because you have before.
- [mag32 snickers and cracks up]
- [ [ spot the pun: snickers/sweets ] ]
acr33: Mike had a bit of an accident with "drastically" earlier
acr33: I don't think they said "Hmm, let's have a look at your doctrinal basis... yes, we're going to burn you now!"
sl236: Never, ever, try to teach a feline logic.
[Misheard by acr33] mpj23: Remind me not to drink the phone ( Remind me not to drink the foam ) [ - mpj23: I wish I had said that now ]
mag32: We are already ginormously in debt due to a giant red pepper, currently sitting outside in the garage
mag32: What's gorgonzola?
- mpj23: Blue cheese.
- gaec2: Very, very blue cheese.
- acr33: Reeaally sad, depressed and suicidal cheese!
acr33: I once took a bomb to a supervision and it went off...
acr33: Waaah! I'm squashed between two punmeisters... in a giant - red - pepper!
gaec2: So given that this is me, and that time is infinite, and the universe is also infinite -
- mpj23: You want some toast?
acr33: I don't want to walk around in my foot!
gaec2: I shall strap your wet shoe to my foot rather than have you walk around in a damp shoe...
gaec2: Untappity-tap tap tap tap tap tap
acr33: I'll bite your legs off, really hard.
ea212: I'm eating up my textbooks at the moment
ea212: I tried riding [the bicycle], but crashed into the Grafton Centre
gaec2: Angela, Thomas the Tank Engine nearly just drove up your leg
sl236: I know where the floppy drive for dreaming is
acr33: You can't start having babies - your tummy will come undone
ruth: Who told me I had a dodgy look?
- mpj23: It wasn't me, but it should have been

Sat 28.10
rja29: We're lost
- acr33: No, we're mislaid
- rja29 [mock-affronted]: Nobody's been laying *me*!
mag32: The wall just ate that car!
mpj23: Angela's not an extreme liberal
- acr33: I might be... I might be in a cupboard... no - a closet!
sl236: My heart just dropped out
gaec2: I was wondering why Serge had an open grave on a road
acr33 to gaec2: You look like Bananaman without the banana

Fri 27.10
pjt33: You've got Kevlar tyres?! Why, do people regularly fire bullets at your wheels??
- bjs27: Oh, they can get quite vicious down in Cornwall...
acr33: Have some fun. Have some fellowship. Have some pizza!
acr33: A barn dance sounds appetising. Hmm, an edible barn dance...

Thu 26.10
brian: Red and green, mixed together, makes yellow
- acr33: In light, I suppose
- brian: No, in pepper. In the pepper spectrum.
gaec2: I think these cubes are getting into the fashion statement of keeping a green cube in their top pocket
christine: We need a building, don't we.
- acr33: To put curry in?!
kenton: I'm sure there's something about green peppers in the Cambridge University regulations somewhere
kate gane: Ding, ding.
- steve gane: But I haven't got a bell-rope!
- kate gane [giggles]: Ding, ding.
- steve gane: But I haven't got a bell-rope!
- kate gane: Ding, ding.
- steve gane [sighing]: But I haven't got a bell-rope!!!

Wed 25.10
aviator (brian): Here's a handy hint for tonight: always carry a green pepper in your top pocket [produces green pepper from top pocket]
aviator: Trifle with herring juice and blood doesn't taste too good
sl236: Hey tickle nonny
mpj23: Yeah but we're not being thrown into the candle.
[Misheard by sl236]: acr33: Go and sit in the corner with a big cat on ( Go and sit in the corner with a big hat on )
sl236: Have you seen Mike's sausages?
- acr33: They don't swim...
- mpj23: How do you know?
sl236: You can lead an Alex to coffee, but you can't make him drink.
acr33: Looks like I need synthesising.
acr33: In the Evangelical church as a whole, there are more women than men
- lej25: Yeah I know - when you try to pull a Christian bloke, there are none about, are there?
gaec2: [claps] It's cylindrical polar co-ordinates! They can get anywhere in space!
- acr33: [steady withering look] It's a crane.

Tue 24.10
gaec2: Hey, Mum, we've got a handle!
saj24: Falling off the ground is just plain embarrassing
acr33: I'll give you Don McLeene & his mooshrooms!

Mon 23.10
mag32: I have 30m of ethernet cable round my neck! :) :)
acr33: I have my coffee unadorned - I don't go putting any random drugs in it, especially purposes.
gaec2: Utena?
- acr33: It's not that simple. Not that simple at all.

Sun 22.10
sl236: Everybody's invited - all 6 billion of them!
- acr33: But if there's too many of them, they'll have to go on the balcony
sl236: The telly eats videos casettes! Moohaha!
- mag32: Well, in this case the video cassette eats the telly...
acr33 to sl236: You say that in an evil overlord type voice: "I like prawn crackers. Moohaha. I shall steal the world's prawn crackers - and make prawn toasts. Moohaha."
acr33: It's useful: Morag has a bascket and I have a barsket

Sat 21.10
acr33: Unfortunately I'm really fairly sane. It's a bit of a shame, really...
acr33: I've only taken out one earring. I'd better take the other out or I'll get very confused and think I've only got one ear.
- [takes out earring]
- Ah good. Now I'm not confused; I'm certain I've got no ears.
acr33 to mag32: Sorry, I should get used to you being Alex
mag32 to sl236: You're cute
- sl236 [dejected tone]: Yes, but I don't look like a girl
mag32: Everyone should be infested by cats
mnw21: I hasten to add, "Humph!"
gaec2: Who's ringing me?
- acr33: Your phone
gaec2: Oh, I have an alien in my bag!
- [throws it at acr33]
- acr33: Don't throw aliens at me!
acr33 to gaec2: No - not death by Systematic Theology! [ask gaec2 or acr33 for context]

Fri 20.10
acr33 to gaec2- You're like a cow.
- gaec2 [mock-affronted]: Why thank you, my dear!?!
- acr33: No, I mean in the nicest... cow-y... sort of way...
gaec2: What did you want to talk to me about my violet Pembroke seas about?
nsg27: I wouldn't mind praying for curry
gaec2: Oh, interesting - your paperclip's curled up asleep

Thu 19.10
jjb37: I can tell what you're listening to, just by listening to it!
acr33: I can't do anything without my Wotsit.

Wed 18.10
acr33: I'm recurring! Waah!
acr33: The first guy we met kept having puppies. Well, not the *guy*...
acr33: A Batmobile would be fun!
- mag32: Not to park in Cambridge...
acr33.333333: But I like calling Serge "Serge-sensei-kun-i-ness!"
acr33: I'm finding you an inspiring example, so stop interrupting me and let me find you inspiring!
mag32: Interrupt. It's what a computer does when you press a key - it stops doing what it's doing and does what you tell it. Unless it's my computer, in which case it ignores me...
mag32: Anne's thinking of changing colour again
acr33: [indicates CD playing] I can't talk seriously to that!
- mpj23: I wouldn't be expecting you to talk seriously to my CD player
mpj23: Oysters are great at coming up with unusual song themes
sl236: Another day, another carpet
awr25: It's a lot easier to see F=ma than to see E=mc^2
acr33 to gaec2: You've indoctrinated yourself! Where did I put my other Bible?
acr33: I've got it - they're the unbelieving fruit!

Tue 17.10
aethd2: Can somebody please build a dam!
gaec2: Where is he?
- acr33: In a pub!
- ooo20: Where every good Christian should... be...
acr33: [Alex] needs someone to keep an eye on
mpj23: [Today's lecturer quote] was from Dr Ley, not Dr Wright, surprisingly. Well, it wasn't that surprising given I didn't have a lecture by Dr Wright today...

Mon 16.10 (Inaugural games night)
mpj23: Is the coffee option open?
- acr33: Only if you don't mind blue coffee
jsn23: You must know the American one [national anthem]
- gaec2: No? Go on, you do it...
- jsn23: *sings* By the dawn's early light... [falters] er... da da daa daa daa daaaaa...
gaec2: Oh, buzzard doesn't begin with A does it?
awr25: I'm drinking it out of the glass - at least let me do it my way!
jsn23: There's a reason why we cycle that way up!
acr33: Will this fit under the chair? No. How inconvenient! Will it fit if I chop it into pieces? Yes, but it would have the slight disadvantage of being chopped into pieces. Ggrr!

Sun 15.10 (Amanda's church students lunch)
mag32: I am one with the chair! I am a black mass with blue socks!
sl236: Have you ever melted a hosepipe?
- mpj23: Is that quotable? *grin*
- sl236: No, not really, it's just... funky! You hold it over a candle and little drops of melted plastic just drop from it
mpj23 [producing a CD from bag]: Much C-ness of D!
- rja29: Much C-ness of D? Did you want to emphasise the compactness of the disc? But MiniDiscs are even smaller!
- gaec2: But they don't begin with C.
stuart page: You're really pleased to see me, aren't you?
- gaec2: Sufficiently pleased that somethig black and plasticky is poking out of your pocket...
acr33: People say some very strange things when you're not listening

Sat 14.10 (Jud's huge 21st)
acr33 [entreating]: Pwease? Oh, pwease? With vinegar and chips?
mag32: Stop being so thoughtful!
acr33 to gaec2: You've been selling me rubbery shubberies!
sl236: I think the chimney's fine, by the way
- acr33: Chinese farm? Is that where you grow Chinese people?
[caption to photo 5:7] mrn21: So, what are you drinking today?
aks27: Wearing quarter of a kilt wouldn't be a very good idea
gaec2 to acr33: What are you looking for?
- acr33: My ears. ..No!
gaec2: Unfortunately in 4th year Maths we don't get "Historic Jesus" lectures
mpj23 to akh23: Feel free to enjoy yourself, if you enjoy having a pepper-pot with balloons tied to it on your head [visual evidence suggests akh23 does indeed enjoy this{
gaec2: It's quite hard to use earrings to cook sauce in
gaec2: We have two mouths
acr33: Most people are - um - a lot of people are someone's dad.
- akh23: I'm not!
acr33: I have so much pasta that I could go to bed in it, if I wanted to... not sleep.

Fri 13.10 (Spanish Inquisition UL Hide&Seek)
acr33 to rja29: I think it was really off to make your wife have a sex change after five years [ask gaec2 for context...]
rja29: Does Serge grow wings and fly away? - all: Maybe!
sl236: What would happen if CB1 was travelling across the date-line?
gaec2: Much sar niness of casticisity. [sarcastic]
gaec2: Much scrubbing of nignigness
mpj23: You have a bit of paper, with some dots on it in a vaguely ordered pattern...
- rja29: Awww - that's cute!
gaec2 [describing video scene]: They were gazing romantically at each other, until she suddenly did an evil look and whipped out a huge hammer and started bashing him with it.
- sl236: I know that feeling...
gaec2: You will not use my shirt as a drying towel!
sml30: I'm mercilessly having chocolate thrown at me!
- rja29: That's a contradiction in terms
arm1: I'm going to drive off at 4:30 today.
- arm2: Why?
- arm1: I've got things to do, people to see...
- arm2: ...pedestrians to kill...
lcp24: Meh!
acr33: Shelfs are quite common things
grs27: I'm looking forward to fear and loathing
acr33: It's scary how many years of their lives people must waste away in this place [University Library]
- rho21: Yeah - looking for the exit!

Thu 12.10.00
jeremy kutner: I read once of a preacher who was converted by his own sermon
gaec2: It wouldn't make much sense if I said that wasn't the metaphor I'd have chosen for my last sergemedium amendments...
- acr33: Yes it would! I'd understand it, anyway... [did in fact make sense in the (extremely convoluted) context. ask gaec2 for context if you can be bothered]
acr33: I think in *normal* people terms
- mpj23: Angela, what normal people keep 16 invisible goats on their balcony?
gaec2: Much inversion of digestive biscuit.
- mpj23: Much digestive inversion biscuit-ness of... of- of- of-
- gaec2: You've run out of nouns!
acr33: I was thinking a flexible friend was a phone
acr33: Elementary, my dear Mike-kun

Wed 11.10.00
gaec2: I guess that'd be a unisex virgin then

Tue 10.10.00
gaec2: I'm wondering whether to jump to an alien, or finish this one first
sl236: You can come round as long as you bring a piece of coal with you
gaec2 to mag32: I don't know why I just turned into you...
[D] gaec2: Every now and then I catch myself saying things that just don't make sense
mpj23: [reading side of Coke bottle] "Please recycle PET"
acr33: Mi estomago es amarillo ["My stomach is yellow"]
- mpj23: So this is an answer to the question "do you want some vanilla coffee", then?
- acr33: Yes!
- mpj23: Well, excuse me for being boring and sane and not knowing...
[D] sl236: Oh wonderful, glorious software!
acr33 to mpj23: Are you insulting the intelligence of a piece of string!
acr33: I now have enough snacks for...
- gaec2: A small army?
- acr33: I *am* a small army.
lucy: Would you lose your faith from studying Law?
- acr33: Yes, probably, but you'd lose your sanity first!

Sun 8.10.00
acr33 to sl236: Die in pain and agony!
- mag32: Not "die on top of me going 'mmm-mmm-mmm'... "
mag32: Punning takes a lot of strain out of you
acr33: You can tell he's enjoying it when you see the glee in his eyes with which he glees back at you
mpj23: The pun pot's Hungary? Do you want to Czech that?
mpj23: I've got a big foot address...
gaec2: What was the date on the 22nd of January this year?
- mpj23 & mag32 [unplanned, in unison]: 22nd of January
sl236: [muttering to self ruefully] That's right, toes have toenails, not fingernails..
acr33: I don't think armies mind being drowned, in porn
mpj23: Come here now or the food gets it, where "it" = "cold"
sl236: We could get Nagi in, and hire out his belly

Sat 7.10.00
acr33: Do you want some potato salad?
- sl236: What's it got in it?
mag32: I shall breed my own bacteria to write an OS for me!
nre20: You could just put a fridge inside your T-shirt
djr36: If you spot a David without a Zoe, you simply have to eat some Battenburg, don't you?
[Matt&Anne's Birthday Speech] akh23: I...
- mnw21: Am..
- akh23: A...
- mnw21: Pancake!
mpj23: There's no party permit! Out!
- mag32: But there's a shelf...
mpj23: Well if you lived off dogfood, wouldn't you be flat?
acr33: Who's that arriving in a car?
- mag32: No, it's Matt ringing the bells
sl236: Humanity wins! Mankind One - Table Nil!
[W] zcl21: Does your computer use female logic?
- mag32: Um - yes. I don't know what it'd do outside Cambridge.
- acr33: Yes, it might not do anything but it'd know it was right!
mag32: Rob's fitting in just fine!
- mnw21: Forcibly!
acr33: We just chop up desks for fun
mpj23: Where am I supposed to plant my beans? Under the hippo?

Fri 6.10.00
rjs1: So, what's /your/ name then?
- akh23 [subdued]: It's anne h at the moment but it used to be bananas and grapes and pears...
[D group] mag32: We all work in the day and do weird things at night
mpj23: Matt's conjugating the verb "to remove one's foot from one's mouth" now
- mag32: This was predictable, I suppose
mpj23 [looking at 19 videos of "Marmalade Boy"]: We could start a jam factory, couldn't we?
acr33: How can you have a technical linguistic discussion about pigeons?
mpj23: A canned meal is where you open a can of chilli con carne rather than cooking it yourself from first principles [- acr33: What's that, killing the cow yourself?]
mag32: I'm not a compsci, I'm a biologist!
- mpj23: Morag, you have 4 computers in your room and you're doing a Diploma in Computer Science.
- mag32: I do not! I have 3 in my room and one in the living room *glare*
- [a day later] mag32: There is no O.S. to suit me - I shall write my own.
acr33: Why is there a lawnmower in here [Morag's living room]?
- gaec2: Cos it's that kind of room

Thu 5.10.00
acr33: First you turn my underwear green, and now this?
[M] sl236: In response to you drawing a card, I shall get in the way!
sl236: After midnight, I might turn into a bloke?
jsn23: Quantum Theory was the least stressful thing I did today
akh23: This is Dumbleton, a first year dumpling from New Hall
acr33: There's a sheep ringing in my bedroom!
[W] acr33 [describing a messy gaec2]: Peanut butter chops!
- gaec2: Not unless it's very strange peanut butter, it doesn't...

Wed 4.10.00
gaec2: And here was me hoping I had genetic mascara
akh22: Do you think mistaking you for a room means I'll do well in theoretical concepts in physics?
gaec2: So I shut the cap to stop Lorraine acccidentally ending up in my bike lock?

Tue 3.10.00 (Director of Studies mtng; CU Puddings Party)
jek25: I'm leading a double life - [whispers] I'm a closet Catholic
acr33: He's nicked the basket that's exploiting poor Korean people
ahi22: Are you a Christian?
- gaec2: Yes.
- ahi22: And have you always been a Christian?
- gaec2 [vehementiy]: No, never!
acr33 to gaec2: My DOS is more normal than yours; mine is a big fluffy teddy-bear
gaec2: Okey-dokey!
- spivack: Yes, okay. But don't call me Dokey.
spivack: Inside every calculus book is somebody trying to get out
spivack: An "Adviser" is somebody who sees you once or twice a term, and... ... ...
- gaec2: And... says hello?
- spivack: Yes. But they say hello in a serious way.

Mon 2.10.00
mpj23: I'm trying to think when I'm not slightly wackier than usual
susan: Is £24 a lot?
- rja29: It's a lot for an icecream
mpj23: The world is our teapot [proposed motto for the Christian international café]
dave: A fridge is just a gas turbine. Without a... turbine.
- aethd2: And it doesn't run on gas.
acr33: There's too much to remember! And I don't have a diary, so my brain has to do it. And I don't have a brain, so they just rattle around in a big hole!
gaec2: Irrational things don't recur or stop
- acr33: *I* recur or stop!

Sun 1.10
gaec2: 'Scuse me all, can I actually come through?
- mag32: No! I've only got two plug sockets
mpj23: Several hornets decided they wanted to learn about the Bible too
acr33 to gaec2: Remember your impartiality, or I'll steal your cheese
acr33 to gaec2: I dare you to say something negative sometime
mag32: Matthew and I were rather forceful
- mnw21: Were we?
- mag32: Yes...!