This page contains quotes up to August 1999...
For the more recent surreal utterances, see the second, third and fourth pages!

See also Other Surreal Quotes Pages...

Identifying Quotes

sl236
Sleep patterns can be arranged

akh23
I'm good at talking

I don't do words

keb31
Quote me as saying I was misquoted

tseg2
Everyone thinks I'm completely mad

It's so nice to be able to say SPAM! without people thinking you're strange

sfcd2
We do this to teach balance and coordination and bleurblelurgh

jjb37
I do say real things sometimes

hazel
Has anyone noticed that girls never shut up?

mpj23
I reserve the right to adjust the language as I see fit

pjs35
hazel (blindfolded, touching pjs35): Who's that?    -pjs35 (hopeful voice): A nice person...?

gaec2
serge: Alex has a big red jellybaby
- emma: Alex has serious problems
- serge: He also has a big red jellybaby

jmdp2
I avoid thoughts at all costs

elle
I'm Morag's sister so I have a right to be bizarre.

lk212
I don't whinge, I complain in a charming fashion

zcl21
mpj23: Zoe is sufficiently scary that I'll shout if I think it'll avoid her coming and being scary at me :)

Inexplicable Utterances

sl236: What's even more worrying is when you're half-listening to someone else's conversation and you suddenly overhear the phrase "edible telephone"...

aks27: Ask a more specific question than "Am I a fish?"

jjb37: These are non-specific people in a specific state of being connected with non-specific fish

gaec2: I did consider buying myself a fish to ride to lectures

akh22: Hey! Imagine detonating your own brain!

tkuq4: Hi Nick, I am geoff, as you can see from my name

pjs31: A cream chicken has been nesting on Jeremy's head

tseg2: I don't think I can provide a rigorous explanation for why I'm not a snail

tseg2: If I wasn't a human, I'd quite like to be a chicken

akh22: We should thank the trees

tseg2: My centre of gravity's in the wrong place

mag32: Stop saying tomorrow is today! I haven't been to sleep yet therefore it is still tomorrow

mnw21: That was Serge's mistake - he died. It's no fun if you die.

nre20: Do you have cereal with milk?
- tseg2: No, you eat it

elb30: I want to tootle off to infinity
- gaec2: *I* want to waggle so viciously I'm infinite

akh23: Try a *bloke*, Katie!

pjs31: *Can* you liquidise a parsnip?

akh22: Running out of sugar we can cope with, but if we're out of silly we've got real problems

akh23: August the 1st happens every month

hazel: We were overtaken on a motorboat by a Skoda

hazel: Nia and Serge are joint octopuses

psuvq: I can really see Jeremy as an amoeba

akh23: I want to eat some memory, I'm hungry!

ant (alex's brother): I'm asking you what button I press to be a zygote

akh23: Oops, I just ate all your Maltesers Alan
    [And just how do you accidentally eat an entire pack of Maltesers, Anne?! :) ]

pjs31: Are these people pregnant goldfish?

gaec2 (amazed): What, 3 people 6 hands?!

akh23: I don't know what it is with me and Hob-Nobs, but somehow the combination is remarkably funny

gaec2 (when looking for nre20): Oh there she is, she's hiding behind the Jaffa Cakes

gaec2: You're scrolling past the chocolate

gaec2 (to sl236, at 2:45am): There are leaves outside your door, Serge...
- sl236: Oh, you find all /sorts/ of things outside your door at 2:45am

kam34 (to sl236): You're really a Girl Guide, aren't you?

akh22: Wah, scary! People from underneath!

gaec2: I've got younger sisters of both genders

keb31: The light's not shining up my trousers enough

kam34: I don't know why, but I think I'm a horse

gaec2: I'd put my drawing pins on backwards for you

akh23: I lived to Cyprus time for a week... I was in Cyprus at the time though

sl236: I can't bounce, I'm sitting on an organic root vegetable

Misquotations

keb31: I think God loves Caius more than Jesus
    [The weather was rainy for Jesus College May Ball, and clear for Caius...]

jda33: [points at sl236] I've seen him before, but I can't remember what he looks like

lk212: Zoë can be quite subductive at times

jjb37: Is lunch soon? Because I'm ravishing...

hazel: Want to go through me again?

akh23: It's a shame boaties are a bit dumb, isn't it?

[akh22 enters room]
- gaec2: Raay! More females!
- [akh22 leaves room]
    [Ggrrrrrr...]

mag32: Brains give me headaches

tseg2: Who's Tamsyn?

mpj23: We shall fight the farces of dorkness

keb31: Quote me as saying I was misquoted
    [So Katie gets the award for Miss Quoted '98... right?]

mpj23 (about his brother): I'm drawing him a map so he can find Jesus
    [Mike Jeggo, master evangelist and occasional student at Jesus College Cambridge]

Perfectly Innocent Quotes taken Out of Context

akh22: [puts hand up] I'll be ritually humiliated!

akh23: [walking in] I'm not dressed... it's really steamy in here!

mag32: I'm feeling really embarrassed now because I haven't got any clothes

mag32: Yes, Serge, you can have a poke if you like

keb31: Hey Jud, I can dress myself

akh23: Morag, that belly-button is far too tempting!

jmdp2: I'm going to formal hall before the carol service & I'll be trying to pull them all

gillian: I like reproduction
    [She's a medic... nuff said]
kam34 (re the above quote): It was a hot and steamy session

keb31: The pool was like swimming in the sea, but with a slimy bottom

jmdp2: It was nothing sinister, he was just trying to kill me
    [Assassins' Guild doesn't count as 'sinister'?]

djr36: I normally poke it with a fork
    [Popcorn, apparently... best not to ask]

keb31: Sasha and Sveta are taking Genya's trousers down
    [His hems were too short, so they had the sewing machine out... Perfectly innocent...]

zcl21: I have three husbands...
    [Purely for college mum / dad purposes, you understand]

gaec2: Anne got killed through association with me

mpj23: Are we permanently attached to each other, Jeremy?
    [Asked about Mike and Morag, not Mike and Jeremy, it just sounds that way]

gaec2 (to nre20): You're back on top
    [Of the females on the Consequences Page]

Incriminating Evidence

elb30: [laughs at Alex's screen... later, referring to the same thing] Oh, you have to be a sad compsci to appreciate the joke in that

tseg2: So do rice and pasta come from the same plant, then?

lk212: I'll have to start going out with JAllister

gaec2: I always cause trouble wherever I go

psuvq: I don't need friends - I've got my books

pjs35: How many of Zoe's Davids are still alive?

mnw21: Are we going to do something about Phil?
- mag32: Yes, he's going to die

lk212: Oh, oh, I'm so stupid

becca: If you're a law student, why do you have a periodic table on your wall?
- lk212: To show I'm not sad really. Um...

Brickness

gaec2 (puzzled): Why would the prawn joke be associated with Christians?

Spontaneous Wit

keb31: Brickness is catching
- mpj23: Oh, hadn't you noticed?

nre20: I did spend all last night with physicists and mathmos
 - akh22: Why - social work?

akh23: Can you imagine Anna with parasites bigger than a hedgehog on her?
-[gaec2 points at jjb37]

keb31: Does anyone possess a Phillip's screwdriver?
- mpj23: Phillip does...

mag32: Why am I a fish? Because I like swimming and I have a three second memory, what else could I be?

mpj23: The occasion was very slinky...
 - gaec2: Why, was Jeremy there too?

gaec2 (to jjb37): Jeremy, you're a nutter!
 - mpj23: Says *Alex*?!
 

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